Abandonment Issues

Every time that I think I am finally over you, something happens that reminds me how much baggage I still have to overcome that is a result of our relationship and the way it ended.  To be fair, a lot of the baggage I have comes from previous issues that were only made worse by the trauma of our breakup, and that itself was a direct result of my mistakes and issues and weirdness.  So I’m not blaming you.  I know that if I hadn’t acted so drastically and irrationally, then our final contact with each other wouldn’t have been as final and unpleasant as it was.  But I did act that way, and as much as I would like to take it back, I can’t.  So instead I’m forced to live with the consequences of that night, and those consequences continue to reverberate throughout my life in strange, painful, and unanticipated ways. 

One of the major issues that I have always had, and that was made worse by our sudden and angry parting, was the issue I have been being abandoned. I obviously had that issue even before I met you, and I don’t know it’s exact origins, but I do know that our sudden parting (and the impossiblity of any future contact with you, ever), made an issue that was clearly very serious even worse. I’m constantly confronted by this problem in all of the relationships that I’ve had since we last saw each other, and every time it makes me feel like an anxious freak.  And yet I also feel that this anxiety is almost always validated when the person I’m with decides to end things.  I’m not sure if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy where my anxiety serves to drive the person away, or if it’s more of a case of being highly perceptive and sensitive towards signs that would happen whether I was anxious or not, but almost every relationship I’ve had since you has ended suddenly and without any sign that I could clearly read, and it has always been sad and hurtful to me, even if I don’t blame the person for wanting something different than I can give. These separations have also made me seriously question what qualities of mine make it so difficult for women to want me as a partner, and even though I have some theories and ideas, nobody ever tells me exactly what it is about me that makes them leave.  I’m no longer so depressed to think that I’ll never be able to find a life partner, but I do honestly believe that the reason I have such a hard time with relationships is because I have a difficult personality to date. However, I also don’t think that I’m a huge jerk or anything like that, and I can’t identify any obvious things that I can and should easily change, so I’m left with the distinct feeling that I will have to feel lucky if I ever meet somebody who can tolerate me and want to be with me, and if I ever meet somebody like that, I’ll be smart to count my blessings and stay with them, even if they have a lot of characteristics that dont’ adhere to my ideals.

I do wonder if my anxiety drives people away more quickly than they would otherwise leave. With Jodie I obsessed over a small issue in a non-fight, and that probably made me look crazy. It definitely seems like it pushed her away faster than she might have otherwise left.  Then with Natalie, when I tried to have text message discussions concerning why she didn’t want to see me anymore, I ended up scaring her away so that I never heard from her again.  I think I may have done the same thing with Erin.  Whenever she mentioned wanting to talk about us, I always assumed that it was because she was going to dump me.  She did eventually do that, and when she did, instead of leaving her alone and allowing a friendship to exist, I kept pushing until I made it so she didn’t want to even be friends with me or have any contact at all, let alone date me.  Now with Mikaela I made a mopey and passive aggressive comment about dating after all of her shit at the end of the semester ends, and I haven’t heard back from her.  And instead of just letting it go, it’s been eating away at me all day and filling me with a tremendous sense of anxiety.  I remember the same thing happening with you when we used to fight over text message. I would never let things go until we could talk about them in person, and so these stupid fights over nothing would drag on all day and sap both of our energy while resolving nothing. Most of the time it wasn’t even a big deal (maybe you wanted to visit your sister that night or something), but I never just let it go, and I always made things worse for you and for us by fixating on these issues like a pitbull and never just dropping what was normally a stupid argument anyways.  I never learned to just accept it when you would say “let’s just stop talking about it and let it go”, or “we can talk about it later tonight when we both get home”.  I’m sure that tenacious obssession with fighting wasn’t good for our relationship, and even though I don’t fight like that anymore, I’m still way to obssessive and anxious about things that are probably imagined, and that hasn’t been healthy for any of my subsequent relationships either.

I don’t know why I’m so fucked up, and why I don’t have any self-confidence.  I don’t know how to fix it either. 

Every time I listen to Bob Dylan’s “The Girl From the North Country”, it always makes me thing about you.  There is one line that says “I wonder, if, she remembers me at all.  Many times I’ve hoped and prayed…”  and I sometimes get stupid and romantic and wonder whether you remember me at all.  But then I realize how absurd that is, because how could you forget sometime as traumatic as the last night we saw each other.  Of course you remember me.  What I wonder, is whether or not you have any positive, joyful memories of me, or if you just remember me as a controlling, psychotic asshole.  That question is one that I don’t know the answer to.  That’s the issue that I hope and pray for; that you still have some kindness in your heart and your memories for me and the time we spent together.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t, and I wouldn’t judge you harshly if that’s the case.

 
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Final Apology Letter

Marnie,

I don’t expect that you will ever read this letter, but I’m writing it because I hope that you will someday.  It’s been over a year and a half since we broke up, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that night, as well as about our relationship and the dynamics of the relationship that led up to that night, and I’ve realized several very important things.  For a while I was really angry with you because I blamed you for all of the legal trouble I was in and because I thought that you were foolish and unrealistic in your decision to break up with me (and that you would never find another partner who was better than me or a relationship that was better than the one we shared), but I realize now that you made the right decision for you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that sooner so that I could help make the process of breaking up easier and more mature.

I’m sorry that I tried to manipulate you into staying with me by making you feel sad and guilty, and I’m sorry that I made it so hard for you to break up with me over the course of our relationship.  That was unfair and selfish of me, and I’m sorry. I realize that we will never talk to each other again because of that night, and I understand and appreciate that this is my fault, and it makes me even more sorry about the way I acted.  I just want you to know that you were a really special and amazing woman, and I’m sorry I didn’t do more to appreciate you and show you that fact. I’m also sorry that I took so many of the amazing things about you for granted.

You used to complain that I never complimented you or made you feel special, and at the time I would dismiss those complaints and concerns as stupid and unrealistic instead of taking them to heart and working hard to make you feel special.  I’m sorry about that.  You are very unique and very special, and you deserve to be with someone who recognizes that and celebrates it.  You also deserve to be with someone who doesn’t criticize everything you do, even when what you are doing is completely normal.  Steve Johnson just had twins, and I got really excited when they were born.  That made me realize how absurd it was when I criticized you for getting excited about the births of your nephews, when I did the same thing for someone who isn’t even my sibling.  The birth of a baby is a big deal, but I was always so negative and cynical to you that I never admitted this, and instead of getting excited with you, I criticized you for having a normal reaction to such a positive and momentous event.  I’m really sorry about that, and about criticizing you for spending time with your friends, or for going to church, or any of the other things I unfairly criticized you about.  I had way more faults and habits that were worthy of criticism that you were happy to ignore, but I was such an arrogant and pompous asshole that I never realized or appreciated how tolerant and forgiving you were of me.  You are the only person outside of my family who has ever really loved me for who I am, and I repaid that to you by being an overbearing and controlling jerk.  I’m sorry I was so controlling and dismissive.

In the time that has passed since we broke up I’ve realized through my interactions with other people just how unique and amazing you are.  I used to tell you that you were high maintenance and lazy and all kinds of other horrible things, but you are probably the most low maintenance woman I’ve ever been with.  You are also kind and giving and funny and affectionate and smart, and any other man would be much smarter than I was and recognize those qualities for the rarities that they are.  I’ve realized that I am lazy, selfish, negative,  needy and controlling and possessed of many of the other negative character traits that I used to unfairly attribute to you, and I recognize now that I was almost always criticizing you for things I didn’t like about myself, which is completely ridiculous.

You were and are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I realize now how badly I blew it by ruining things with you, and not just by my actions on our final night together, but also by my behavior over the course of our relationship.  I took you for granted far too often, and now that I realize just how special you were, as well as how rare it is to meet someone with whom you have the deep and easy connection that we had, I miss you and what I had with you even more.  However, I also know that you didn’t get nearly as much out of the relationship as you put into it, and that you are better off without me.  I’m sorry that I took up so much of your 20’s, and I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of being a good boyfriend.

I don’t expect a response, but I do hope that you have at least read this so that you know that I don’t blame you for anything, and that I’m sorry that I made it so hard and traumatic for you to make the right decision and leave me.  In fact, it’s selfish of me to even send you this letter, but I never had a chance to say goodbye, and this letter is my way of doing that.  I hope you are doing well, and that you are happy, and that you have found someone who values you and treats you in the manner that you deserve.  You will always occupy a very special place in my heart, and I don’t think I’ll ever love another the way I loved you.  I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of showing you that when we were together, and I’m sorry I didn’t respect your happiness enough to let you leave me without a struggle or a scene to find someone else who was more deserving of your love and kindness.

Sincerely,

Davin

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07/24/2012 – Final Questions

Marnie,

I am writing you this letter without any expectation that you will read it, or that, even if you do, that I will ever receive a response from you. Nevertheless, I need to write you this letter hoping that you can do the decent thing and at least answer some questions one last time from someone who you claim to have loved in the past. 

I’m not sure if you are truly ignorant of what has happened to me legally, or if you just don’t care what happens to me, or if you know what the consequences of involving are for involving the police that night and you think that I deserve them.  If you truly think that I deserved to be arrested and charged with domestic violence because of the events that happened on the night that we last saw each other, then I would like for you to tell me so, and there won’t be much, if anything, that I can say in resp0nse, except to apologize.  If you were genuinely scared for your safety, I am sorry.  You never had a reason to be scared though, and you were never in any danger, and I am confused that you would not realize this. But either way I’m sorry. However, if you are either pleading ignorance or apathy, then that means several very important things.

If you are claiming that you didn’t know what happened to me, or that you had no idea that involving the cops and cooperating with the police on our final night together would lead to my arrest and subsequent conviction, then that is disheartening and pathetic.  For a so called “mental health professional” to be so woefully ignorant of the lifelong consequences of involving the authorities when there is no reason to involve is frightening in its implications in terms of the future damage you will do to families in your capacity as a school counselor because you naive trust and belief in the judgement and discretion of the legal system.  You will inevitably tear more than one family apart, and ruin the life and the future of more than one parent, because you mistakenly think that calling the police is the first and best option, and that doing so will not ever result in mistakes or permanent stains on people’s records.  And you cannot claim that you didn’t want the police involved, because you signed a voluntary release to let them search our apartment, and you continued to speak with them and cooperate them and give them information that they then used to continue their prosecution of me.  So if you are pleading ignorance, you need to learn the reality of how the legal system works so that you don’t wreck any addional havoc in the future.

If you just didn’t care what happened to me, then that is perhaps the most depressing reason for why you didn’t help me to fight the charges against me, and instead chose to help the prosecution build their case against me.  This is the worst reason because if you didn’t care about what happened to me, then I also find it impossible to believe that you ever loved me.  I am saddened because I think that this is the most likely reason for why you turned your back on me and left me and my future to rot beneath the weight of the district attorney and the legal system.  For you, the “innocent victim”, it was easy to pretend that hiding behind the restraining order and selfishly using the legal system to end a five year relationship as easily and painlessly as possible was a valid way to handle the situation that arose.  You even convinced yourself that it was in both of our best interests to have the law involved and to have a restraining order because you claimed that it helped us have a clean separation and allowed for both of us to “move on with our lives.”

This is clearly not true, as I am still on probation for another year, during which time I cannot travel outside of the state, and, once probation ends, I will have a permanent record that will prevent me from the majority of employment options that I would previously have been pursuing.  Every time I think about these things and realize that they are a direct result of our breakup and your abandonment of me to the legal system, I am reminded of our relationship and our breakup.  So the restraining order that you claimed helped us both move on may have helped you to do so, but it actually has made it impossible for me to ever truly move on.  Instead I am reminded daily of the painful end to our relationship, and I am left doubting the entire five years that we spent together. 

You left a note on the counter of our apartment that said that we had shared a special love together, and that you would treasure your time with me, but I do not believe any of that.  Somebody who shared a special love with someone would not abandon me to unfair charges and the weight of the courts just so they could move on more easily with a breakup.  As for me, I regret every single moment of the five years that I spent with you, and I can say without hesitation that meeting you was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I would be better off if the last five years had never happened, or if I could wipe them from the record.  And I don’t just mean the five years of our relationship; I’m including every single thing that happened over the past five years, from my job leading students abroad, to my master’s degree, to every trip that I took with you, to any friend that I met and every experience that I had. I would happily trade all of those things to be able to go back and prevent myself from ever meeting you. 

This entire experience has left me broken, bitter, and permanently ruined going forward.  I don’t expect you to care, because I don’t believe that you care about me or that you ever did, but beyond the ramifications of having a criminal record on my future career options, they also make it highly unlikely that any woman is ever going to want to develop a relationship with me once they find out, and it’s also impossible to see myself ever trusting another woman, especially knowing the power they will have to use the legal system against me just like you did. 

If you are still reading this letter, know that if you were scared of danger to yourself, that you shouln’t have been, because I would never have done anything to hurt you, as you should know since I never threatened you that night.  If you did think that, I’m sorry, and if you didn’t, and you instead just hid behind this entire situation, then shame on you, and congratulations on invalidating our entire relationship.  I hope you will be kinder and more compassionate going forward in life, and that you will realize that the world isn’t as black and white as you see it, and that you have tremendous power and influence with regards to others and their futures. I hope that you learn how to be kinder and more responsible with this power.

Sincerely,

Davin

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06/18/2012

Marnie,

Last week I had my deadline on whether or not I was going to accept a plea bargain or move on to trial.  I really wanted to take the charges all the way to trial, because I think they are incredibly unfair and unjust, but my lawyer said that he didn’t think that was the best idea, because he didn’t have much confidence that you would try to help me avoid punishment when it was your turn to testify.  He thought it likely that you would say you were scared for your own safety or something, and that if you did say that, you would harm my case and probably turn the jury against me.   He also said it wouldn’t help my case if you started crying on the stand, and knowing you as well as I do (or as well as I thought I did) that was almost certain to happen. 

So I took the deal because it was the lesser of two evils, but doing so was really crappy for a couple of reasons.  The worst outcome of accepting the plea bargain is that I can most likely never become a teacher, because I will always have a domestic violence charge on my criminal record.  That really sucks.  Almost as bad as that is the fact that the restraining order that prevents us from ever having a conversation to put this behind us and clear the air was extended for another year.  I know it was unlikely that I would ever talk to you again, but now that likelihood is basically zero.  I still miss you immensely, but at this stage I know that we can never again be together. What I hope for now is the chance to one day speak with you so that we can end on a better note than the nightmarish circumstances under which we parted ways forever.  I hate that night is your final image of me, and your final memory, and I would give anything to have the chance to change that .

Needless to say I was very angry last week, and most of that anger was directed at you.  I still don’t understand why you have done the things you’ve done to actively harm me and help the DA with this unjust and unfair persecution, but you have.  It makes me think that you must really hate me and think of me as a crazy, pyschotic person.  That makes me really sad, but I can also understand why you would think that.  I never understood it before, but now I think I have a better idea of how unfair it is to do the things I did that night right before the eyes of someone who loves you, or who at least once loved you. 

I don’t know if you ever loved me or not, but I draw some comfort from thinking that you did once, and knowing that, I realize how traumatizing it must have been for you to see me try to kill myself.  I had a claimant today who saw her husband die before her eyes from an intentional overdose, and she said that she has never been able to get that image out of her mind ever since it happened. She has had to go to intense therapy, and she even tried to take her own life in the aftermath of his death.  I am so sorry that I put you through that, and knowing how hard that must have been, I can better understand why you want a clean break between us, so that you can move forward and put that nightmare behind you.  You are also probably afraid that something similar would happen again, and that, more than any other likelihood, is the reason why I will probably never see you again.  At least that’s what I like to think; that your not wanting to see me comes from a place of love, and not from a place of hate.  I guess I will never actually know which one it is, but all I can do is tell you again how sorry I am for putting you through that. 

I still love you, and I will always love you.  The passage of time has done almost nothing to dull the pain I feel inside when I think about you, or the emptiness that memories of you bring, and nobody who I meet comes anywhere close to you as a life partner.  I miss you so much.

Always,

Davin

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06/12/2012

Hey Marnie,

I saw that Kristen and Jordan had their wedding last Friday, and it made me sad that I wasn’t going to be there.  I know they are your friends, and while I was kind of bummed that I wasn’t going to be there with them to celebrate, I was more disappointed that I wasn’t going to be able to be there with you, and even more so because I realized that I am never going to be able to share a wedding and a marriage with you. 

Because I was missing you especially badly over the weekend, I found your facebook profile again and looked for your OkCupid profile.  It’s not like I’m stalking you, but that’s the only way I can have anything to do with you now that I’ve deleted your phone number.  I saw that you had deleted your dating profile, which made me wonder if you have already met someone who you really like.  I also saw a picture of you on Teryl’s profile where you were obviously celebrating your 30th birthday together, and you looked so happy, and so content, and like you were having so much fun, that I realized how incredibly and completely unhappy I must have made you.  I had realized before that you were hurt and disappointed by a number of things, but I was too self-involved and unaware before to see how miserable you were in the relationship.  You must have felt that way for a long time, and it’s a testament to your kindness that you stayed as long as you did out of fear that I would hurt myself.  I’m sorry that I kept you stuck and unhappy for so long, and I am glad that you have found happiness again, and I don’t blame you for not missing me.  I realize how tiring and frustrating it must have been to deal with my ordering you around, giving you unwanted advice all the time, and criticizing so much of what you did.  Nobody would like that, and it’s no surprise that you are much, much happier now than you ever were with me.

I hope you did meet somebody, whether it was online or in real life, because you deserve happiness, and you wasted so much time with me that I fear I put you behind track in achieving the things that you want out of life.  I bet that just about anyone you meet will seem kind, caring, fun, and nice in comparison to me. Plus, on top of all the negative comparisons to me, you are an amazing woman.  You are beautiful, both spiritually and physically, and you are smart and funny and so much fun to be around.  I never realized just how much I like spending time with you until I was no longer able to do so.  Now that I can’t, my life is more less fun and interesting, and I am so lonely that it brings a lump to my throat on a daily basis.  None of this is your fault, it just shows how amazing you really are.  I’m so sorry that I took that for granted so often, and if there was only one thing that I could tell you, I would want to apologize for treating you poorly and for taking you for granted. 

I also miss your body so much, even though I complained about it when we were together.  Your ass and tits and vagina are all incomparable, and if I could do things over, I would compliment you more on your physical characteristics, and I would explore them and love them and make you feel as sexy as you really are.  I miss your perky, pink nipples, and your smooth and perfectly shaped labia and clit. I wish I would have spend more time playing with your clit and pleasuring you the way that you so often pleasured me. 

Anyways, I apologize for the previous paragraph, I know it must seem creepy and inappropriate, but I just wanted you to know that I miss almost everything about you.  I am glad that you are so happy, and I’m so sorry that I kept you from that happiness for so long.

Love,

Davin

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06/07/2012

I still miss you as much today as I did when you first left me.

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06/04/2012

Marnie,

I met with my psychiatrist today in order to ask him to write me a letter for my legal situation, and I gave him some notes I had prepared that outlined what I thought was a good description of my state the night I was arrested that I thought would be helpful in convincing a DA to drop or reduce the charges against me.  After he read the letter, my psychiatrist told me that he didn’t think such a letter would be helpful at all, and that instead of making me look less dangerous, my letter made me look like a crazy, suicidal maniac, and that it was wont to make any DA want to pursue charges like the ones I am facing even more aggressively.  He then added those notes to the file that he has on me, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe he also thought I was a crazy, suicidal maniac, and that the notes I had prepared were evidence of this, because they were obviously a window into how I view what happened that night and the mental state that I was in while they happened.

Seeing him add those notes to my file, and hearing him describe the impression that my actions that night would most likely give to an impartial observer made me better  understand why you want nothing to do with me.  You probably also look at me like I am a suicidal maniac, and you probably think yourself lucky to have escaped me and that relationship.  Given that you were coming from that perspective, I can see why you wouldn’t want to drop the restraining order by helping me to get the charges dropped as soon as possible, and I can also see why you don’t ever want to have anything to do with me ever again, and why you want to wipe me from your life completely like you have done.  And I don’t blame you for any of this.  You are mistaken if you think that I would ever have hurt you, but I can see how crazy and unreasonable my actions were that night, and I know how hard it is, and foolish, to trust the word of someone with mental problems.  Your friends and family probably view me as a crazy maniac as well, and that is most likely why they want nothing to do with me going forward. I’m sorry I acted so irrationally that night, and that I scared you as badly as I did. I hope that someday you can forgive me, and possibly understand why I was so upset, even if you do decide to exile me from your life forever. And if you decide to do this, I will not judge you or begrudge  you that decision in any way. 

As time has passed since you left me, and as I’ve tried unsuccessfully to move on and date again, I’ve also come to realize that the complaints that you had about our relationship, which I arrogantly dismissed as overly sensitive and unimportant, are actually complaints that most women would also have about me, and that you were actually far more patient, kind, and caring about my inability to provide you with the aspects of the relationship that you desired than most women would have been.  In all likelihood, most women would have cheated on me after five years in a relationship with me, but you never did, and you never would have either.  You are a far better person than I ever gave you credit for, and you possess and well of kindness and integrity that is rare to find.  And I took all of it for granted, and I discounted all of your complaints as being silly. Most women want just as much physical affection as you do, if not more, and nobody would have put up with my suicidal threats and manipulations even once, yet you put up with them on multiple occasions.  I see now that the patience that you exhibited towards me for so long could only have come from a place of deep and abiding love, and that you really did love me, even if you didn’t help me with any of my legal situation. 

I don’t blame you for deciding that you wanted nothing to do with me once you decided to leave me.  I was a negative, unpleasant, poisonous element in your life (and in the world in general) for most of our five years together.  I tried to keep you from seeing your friends and family as much as you could and should have, and I tried to make you into the person who I wanted you to be, instead of celebrating you for the amazing person that you are.  I isolated you from the social, joyful world in which you normally lived, and I brought you down to my miserable, insecure, and fearful world instead. 

When I first saw you on the dating website, I was arrogant enough to think that you were never going to mind someone who was as good of a partner as I was, and I told myself that you were probably finding only duds, and that you were likely to miss me after going on several dates with weirdos.  And while it’s true that there are a lot of creeps and weirdos on that site, it’s also true that there are probably a ton of guys on there who are nicer, funnier, smarter, and more attractive than me who are dying to meet you, and that I probably look like a creep and a weirdo compared to most of the people who you are meeting on there.  On top of that, I’m probably more arrogant than most of those people as well, because I am so unaware that I don’t even realize how weird and creepy I am, and instead I’m operating in a fantasy world where you are lucky to meet someone even half as good as me, when in reality it’s probably the opposite for you.  You are probably overwhelmed by the number of emails and messages you are having to sort through, many of them from normal, fun and decent men.

I’m sorry that I kept you from experiencing a normal life full of joy and opportunity and love for so long, and I hope that you can find it soon enough that the delay you experienced with me will not keep you from achieving what you want from life.

Love,

Davin

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05/29/2012

Dear Marnie,

I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll never be able to leave you behind and fill the void that you left in my heart, and it’s both overwhelming and frightening.  So many things remind me of you, and most of those memories are wonderful, happy memories for me, and even the passing of time has done almost nothing to lessen the frequency of these memories.  For example, every time I see a picture that was obviously taken on a beach or in Latin America, I’m reminded of the two trips we took down there, and of the unique things we saw, like the restaurant and bar that was made out of an old U.S. Air Force bomber plane, or a Lake Ometepe.  Or like the description I recently saw of a fancy, naturalistic house somewhere that uses a natural waterfall as a shower.  That reminded me of the eco lodge that we stayed at in Costa Rica, and how much fun we had there dining and exploring the nearby waterfall and drinking freshly made lime margaritas.  So many of the happiest memories of my life happened with you in the past five years, and I can’t seem to shake them or shelve them in the recesses of my mind, and so I am instead confronted with them on an almost daily basis.  I also haven’t made a single happy, lasting memory since you left me, and that also bothers me greatly.

I know I shouldn’t look at your dating profile or Facebook profile, because all it does is torture me with the knowledge that you never want to talk to me again, but I keep doing so, because, as painful as it is, it is also the only way that I have of keeping you in my life (even if that way is to painfully remind myself that you’re gone).  Every time I look at your profile, it’s like someone has stuck their finger in my open wound and start poking around inside of it, and the hangnail keeps catching on the loose edges of the puncture wound. I wish that I could know that even if you don’t want to be with me anymore, at least part of you still missed what we had, but from everything I’ve seen and heard, it feels like you are relieved to have me out of your life.  It’s heartbreaking knowledge to possess, but as I try to move on and pathetically attempt to make new friends and relationships, I can’t blame you. 

As life moves on without you, I realize how frustrating and stifling it must have been to date me, and how pathetic I must have seemed both during the relationship and especially during the break up.  I’m surprised you stayed with me for as long as you did, and even though it breaks my heart, I’m not surprised that you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, and that you are looking for the complete opposite of me in your next boyfriend.  As I’ve been dating, I’ve met some smart, nice, and attractive women, and initially it seems like things are going really well, and that they maybe even like me.  However, as we talk and spend time together, the real me inevitably comes out, and once they see how needy and insecure I am, they inevitably back away.  They normally do this either by never returning my texts or calls, or by telling me that they are not ready to date or that they need some space.  I’ve been a lot better about respecting that with them than I was with you (I’m sorry about that), but I also don’t believe them when they say it, because they never take their dating profiles down.  So they obviously don’t want to stop dating or looking for a relationship, they just don’t want to do those things once they have a better idea of who I am.  I’ve had plenty of people contact me, which makes me think that they must think I’m attractive in my photos or that I have a well-written profile, but once they meet me it seems like they are almost always disappointed, and that usually marks the end of my contact with them. 

Somehow you managed to put up with me for five years, so it’s not really that surprising that you eventually left, knowing what I now know about how others view me.  I’m sorry that I overreacted so strongly to you leaving, because that seems like it’s the natural reaction that people (or women at least ) have to meeting me.

I’ll always love you and miss you,

Davin

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05/24/2012

Hey Marnie,

I’ve been dating a little bit for the past few months, and I’ve realized a number of things about our relationship in the process, and through my interactions with other women.  Primarily I’ve been better able to see how unfairly critical and judgemental I was of you, and I can better appreciate how frustrating it must have been for you to feel like I was constantly criticizing you by either telling you what I would rather have you be like or do, or by complaining about things like the frequency of your exercise habits or the quality of our sex.  I’m really sorry about all of that. 

Since I’ve been dating, I’ve had multiple people comment on or criticize how I am intimate, or my soul patch, or how I show affection, or how private I am, or how often I talk about you, and all of it makes me feel small and defective, so I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to put up with almost five years of my criticisms and commentary.  No wonder you left.  You must have felt so small and tired after such a long time spent with me that you were always exhausted.  You were a kind an amazing person, and you tried so many times to get me to let loose and goof off and be happy with you, and I always shot you down. I always acted annoyed with you or stressed about school or job prospects, and I rarely learned how to let go and enjoy the moment with you.  That was something that you excelled at, and even though you tried to teach me how to do the same, I never let your lessons take hold. If I had, I think I would have been a lot happier, and a lot more fun, and I almost certainly would have had a much easier time making new friends.

I can see why you always felt anxious when you heard my car alarm beep, signalling that I would be coming back home and that I would probably be critical of something you had either done or not done.  I never let the little things like peanut butter on a knife or hair in a drain go, and instead I always commented on them. I’m very sorry for all of that.  You must feel so much freer and more relieved now that you have rid yourself of the tyranny of my criticism and my opinions, and I hope that you are much, much happier as a result.  I’m sorry for keeping that yoke around you for so long.

Sincerely,

Davin

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05/18/2012

Hey Marnie,

I think I have a clearer idea of why you left me, and I’m beginning to see that many women would have done the same as you did.  In addition to being pretty selfish and controlling when we were together, I was also very clingy and needy.  My actions on the night you decided to leave me are very clear proof of that.  As I’ve been re-entering the dating scene, more than one woman has expressed a very clear interest in me, only to very quickly retreat from me and indicate in obvious but implicit ways that they no longer want to have anything to do with me.  They have done this by telling me things like “I’m just not ready to be in a relationship or date right now, but I like you and when I’m in a better place I’ll get back to you” or “I just need more space right now, but I wish you the best.” None of them are mean or cruel or insulting in their messages to me, but they are clear in their desire to communicate that they no longer want anything to do with me.  I believe them when they say that they like me initially, so I can only assume that I came on either too strong or too often, and caused them to pull away out of a dislike or a fear of being smothered, or because I seemed clingy to them. 

If I came across this way to people who I only just met, and who I didn’t really talk to that often, then I can finally start to understand how you felt when I would complain and criticize you for doing things without me like go to church or hang out with your friends or family.  I’m very sorry for being that way.  It’s clearly a fault that lies with me, and not with you, and it’s obviously a turn off to a lot of women, and not just you. I’m also very sorry for masking this neediness and insecurity towards being alone behind the criticisms that I levelled at you for doing things like hanging out with your family and going to church without me.  You are the one who approached those things, and life in general, in a health manner, and I was the one who did not.

The more that I look back on our relationship and see the things that I did wrong, the more I can’t fault you for deciding to leave it.  I still don’t think that the legal stuff that is happening is fair, but I can’t in good conscience or in any honesty blame you for deciding to leave me.  Objectively, it was probably the right decision, and any woman with any sense or intelligence would have probably would have done the same thing.

Immediately after you left me, I was telling myself and my friends that your reasons weren’t valid or realistic, and that you wouldn’t ever find the type of guy or relationship that you were looking for, but I see now that those were things that I was telling myself to feel better about being left, and not because they were in any way true.  You will probably have a very easy time finding somebody who is more independent and less clingy, and who will let you spend time with your friends and family and doing things that are important to you without feeling threatened.  I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of guys out there are more independent and self confident than I was, and as a result any relationship you have with any one of these men is apt to be a healthier and happier one.

I’m sorry that I made you feel guilty for thinking of leaving me, and that I kept you with me and my unhealthy and abnormal neediness for so long. I wish I could do something to make it up to you.

Davin

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