I feel like I don’t even know you after everything that has taken place. After the way you have responded to all of the legal crap that you helped to get me into (by basically ignoring both me and the situation and pretending that by doing so it will all just go away) I have been forced to wonder about our entire five year relationship.  I feel like I never knew the real you, and I honestly feel myself regretting my entire time with you.  Believe me, that is the last thing I ever wanted, but I don’t understand why you are being so callous and cruel.  For all outward purposes it looks as if you’re not even sad, and that you feel no regret or guilt at what happened to me because of the information you gave the cops that you didn’t need to give them if you truly felt that you weren’t in any danger. 

You can’t even imagine how horrible that night was.  It was easily the worst night of my life, and any pain and worry you went through that night because of me pales in comparison to what I experienced.  When I went to jail, I was forced to take off all of my clothes and put on a quilted blanket that draped around my head and shoulders and that closed with velcro.  I was then forced to lay on the bare floor of an empty concrete cell that had a bright flourescent light overhead, a toilet in the corner, and nothing else, except for the open windows that looked directly out into the main booking area of the sheriff’s office and the computer area for the deputies.  So I was naked, with no privacy.  They said that they would help me when they picked me up, but after I went to jail I went 14 hours without seeing a mental health professional.  When I finally saw a counselor (instead of the psychiatrist I was supposed to see), he told “don’t fucking lie to me” and yelled at me. So I told him what he wanted to hear, that I was no longer thinking about suicide or hurting myself, while internally I resolved to kill myself the minute I left the jail.  If my parents hadn’t picked me up from there, I would have done it too.  So you actually made things ten times worse for me than they already were, and they were pretty bad.

I know I wronged you too, but nothing I have ever done comes close to how you wronged me, and how you are continuing to wrong me by trying to ignore the reality of the situation, and by allowing our final moments together to forever be that horrible night. I can’t believe that you won’t meet with me to create a better ending for us.  You once wrote me an email when you went to your friend Jessica’s wedding about how you couldn’t believe that we had a “fuck you” ending after three and a half years together.  But now you are okay with having a “fuck you, have fun in jail” moment after almost five years together.  How can that be? 

I obviously never wanted our relationship to end, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but if it ever had to end, I hoped to remain friends with you, and to keep you in my life in some way.  You have been my best friend for the past five years, and you were always the person who I wanted to call when I had good news or a problem to work through.  In our conversations you always said that you wanted to stay in each others’ lives too.  I thought that was what you wanted?  But now you seem perfectly fine with the idea of never seeing me again, and with parting ways with you screaming bloody murder and driving away in the middle of the night.  That is our final image, and it will forever be strongly associated with our entire relationship as long as it remains our final image.  That totally sucks.

There are so many things that I feel badly about, and that I want to apologize for, and scaring you the way I did with thoughts of hurting myself is at the top of that list.  I want you do know that I never cheated on you though. I can’t stop thinking that that is the major reason why you decided to leave, even though you have told me that it isn’t.  Things were going pretty well for us before you found that email, and afterwards things were never the same.  I’m so sorry I lied in that email, but I wasn’t trying to keep my options open outside of you, and I wasn’t cheating on you.  I don’t have a good reason for why I lied, but I can promise you that it wasn’t because I was trying to hide your or that I was ashamed of you being my girlfriend.  I was always proud that someone like you loved me, and I always felt blessed to have you in my life.  I can’t stop reliving all of the moments when I disappointed you and wishing I could change them.  You were completely right about Jesse’s wedding, and I wish I could go back and meet you up there on Saturday, and that I had kept my cool and not made such a big deal about being locked out or about putting some extra things in my trunk.  There are a million other things like that weekend that I keep wishing I could change, but there are even more moments that I look back on with joy that they happened, and with tremendous sadness that we won’t have any more of them. 

There is a whole in my chest where my heart used to be, and I can see that it is filling with anger and bitterness because of the way you have handled the entire affair, and it saddens me that you are okay with that.  I wish my heart could instead focus on all of the love and joy I feel for you.  I hope that you will come to your senses, and that you will do so soon.




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