01/24/2012

Monkey,

I don’t know where to start. Lately I’ve been moving back and forth between two different sets of feelings towards you. On the one hand I am angry and frustrated because you left me, and because you told the police things that are going to get me into a lot of unnecessary trouble that will never go away, and that will cost me a lot of money. I’m also hurt that you left me, and that you seemingly don’t care that you hurt me, and that you are moving on without looking back after five years.  On the other hand, I miss you like crazy, and I am wracked with both guilt and sorrow every minute of every day.  

In my mind I am constantly reliving every single instance where I let you down or hurt your feelings, and wishing I could back and make things better.  When I think about all of the stupid fights that I started with you over trivial matters, and the nitpicky criticism that I directed at you, I feel horrible.  Everyone tells me that I have to move on in order to heal, but I can’t, because I feel a ongoing sense of self-recrimination about all of the things I wish I could have done differently.  I wish I would have not chastised you about your directions at Jesse’s wedding, or about getting locked out of the house, and that I had just shut my mouth and loaded the trunk like you asked me to.  I wish I had left you alone about working out more, or that I would have just cleaned the peanut butter knife and not even said anything to you about it.  At the time it seemed very important to make a principled stand, and to let you know what bothered me, but now that you are gone, I can see that the most important and valuable thing was being with you, and having you in my life.  But I couldn’t see the forest through the trees, and I didn’t appreciate what I had with you while I still had it.  I didn’t give you the compliments I should have given you, and told you that you were beautiful, and kind, and funny. I didn’t jump to spend time with you even if it wasn’t my favorite setting. Now that I can no longer see you again, I realize how precious that time was, and I’m sorry I didn’t take advantage of it more often. 

When placed in the course of a lifetime, our time together is an uncertain thing, and it can be fleeting.  An afternoon together stands as little more than a point on a line, whose length is related to how long we are given on this earth.  But in our memories, an afternoon together can also hold eternity within it.  That’s what my memories of you and of us hold for me, because it’s the only time that I can see you now.  I keep escaping to times when we were together, and those were the happiest times of my life. I’m so sorry that I didn’t make that clearer to you.  In reliving these memories, there are many things that I would change to make you happier and to show you how important you are to me.  There are also many things that I would never change, because there are also inumerable moments and images of complete joy and happiness for both of us. 

I don’t even have photos of most of things that we did, and I’ll probably never have a chance to get them from you now, so my memories are almost all I have of you and of us.  When I think back through my memories, and how happy you made me, and how poorly I showed you that, I realize that as frustrated as I am about the legal stuff, the reason I am most angry with you is because I miss you, and I want the chance to apologize and set things straight between us, even if setting things straight still means that you are going to be gone from my life.  And it doesn’t sound like you are ever going to be willing to give me that chance.  That is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  It already sits in my chest like a hard, black ball that causes me to constantly ache with regret and sadness.

When I think of all of the things that we did in our five years together, I think about the foundation that we were laying to build a life together.  I believed that it was a strong foundation of love, companionship, and shared memories and experiences that I would have a chance to continue to build on for the rest of my life.  I feel so badly that I failed to make you feel the same way about the relationship.  More than anything, I look at our breakup as my failure, because I was so self-involved in my happiness in the relationship that I didn’t notice that you were unhappy and miserable. 

I met with my lawyer yesterday, and it was the first time I really realized just how final your decision was.  I kept holding out hope that you would one day come to regret your decision and that you would change your mind.  After meeting with him, it became clear to me that there is almost no chance that this will ever happen.  I will be lucky if I ever have the chance to even speak with you again.  Now this, and not the hope that you will be with me again, is what keeps me going.  I can only hope to be lucky enough to have you in my life at all, and I hope against hope that you didn’t mean it when you said that you never want to talk to me again. 

When I first started writing letters in this book, I was doing so in the hopes that I could use them to win you back in the future.  I thought that if in three to six months I met with you and presented you with a book of love letters and letters of apology that you would realize you still loved me and missed me and that you would take me back on the spot.  I can see now how selfish that was.  I do really love you, and, like the cliche says, if you love something, let it free.  My insecure and controlling behavior never made you feel like yourself around me, and it couldn’t have made you happy.  More than anything, I want you to be happy, and that probably can’t happen with me.  So now I’m writing here just to apologize for all of your time that I wasted, and the only thing I hold out hope for now is that someday I’ll have the chance to give you these letters, and through them make at least a small amends to all of the ways i have wronged you.

With deepest love,

Davin

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