Today is 01/31/2012. Five years ago we had our first date, and considering that it was our first meeting ever, it still stands as the most amazing date of my life. We met at Road 34 and talked and talked until the bar closed. Then we talked some more, and sat in your car and listened to music until almost 4 a.m. We had an immediate connection that contained both amazing chemistry and an intellectual and emotional kinship that would have been rare to discover in any relationship, let alone on a first date. I can still remember ever detail of that night, and even though you often thought that I forgot our first dates, and that they weren’t important to me, they were. I remember losing to you at darts in the Steakout. I remember having pizza at Pizza Casbah. I remember watching Reality Bites at your old townhome on the Spring Creek bike path. I remember driving to Cheyenne to watch your sister perform and to meet her for the first time, and I remember meeting Teryl and James at CB& Potts and playing bingo there with them. I remember all of those dates, and so many others, with as much clarity now as when they first happened.
In our five years together, we had our ups and downs, but I don’t think we ever lost that amazing connection that we discovered at our first ever meeting. My five years with you were the best years of my life, and I have so many wonderful and beautiful memories of us that they will last me a lifetime. I cherish so many happy moments in time with you, like when you helped me to deal with the death of Max and then wrote my family and me a very kind and beautiful poem, or when we went to the yurt and had sex in the snow as evening set and darkness fell, or our trip to Spain and our inside joke about “you will cry.” I remember less obvious things too, like our late and lazy mornings in bed when we first started dating, or our breakfast dates, or cuddling up in the fort on the floor, or showering together, or learning card games from you and your family.
Whenever I think about the fact that we are no longer together, I am overwhelmed with sadness, but I am also so grateful that I was able to spend five years with you. I wish I could have spent a lifetime with you, and I still hope that I’ll be able to do that, but even if I never have that chance, I will know that meeting you five years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope that you share at least some of those feelings towards me, and I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of making the relationship work.
I know I’ve shared this poem with you before, but I wanted to include it again, because I truly feel like it captures the essence of us and of the rare and beautiful love that we shared together.
Lovers find secret places inside this violent world
where they make transactions with beauty.
Reason says, Nonsense.
I have walked and measured the walls here.
There are no places like that.
Love says, There are.
Reason set up a market and begins doing business.
Love has more hidden work.
Hallaj steps away from the pulpit
and climbs the stairs of the gallows.
Lovers feel a truth inside themselves
that rational people keep denying.
It is reasonable to say, Surrender is just an idea
that keeps people from living their lives.
Love responds, No.
This thinking is what is dangerous.
Using language obscures what Shams came to give.
out of low word-clouds into burning silence.
Monkey, I hope that one day in future you will again be able to find space in your heart for me and for our love. Know that regardless of what other people think, and in spite of whatever judgements they might have formed, I will always love you, and I will always be willing to welcome you back into my life with open arms, an open heart, and unquestioning love.
Dav (Brown Eyes)