I wish I could see or feel what you are thinking. Everyday I find myself wondering whether or not you miss me, and hoping that you regret your decision but never knowing if that is even remotely true. I don’t hope that you regret your decision because I wish you ill, or because I want you to be unhappy. I simply hope that you regret your decision because I miss you so much it makes me sick. I never meant to minimize your complaints about us, either when we were still together or in previous letters I wrote to you. I just miss you, and I still can’t understand how you came to you decision as quickly and with as much certainty and finality as you did.
I respect your complaints, and I want another chance to fix my problems, because losing you has shown me how stupid and unimportant most of my arguments and complaints with you were. I would happily spend four or five hours a week at your sister’s house with your family if it means I get to spend my life with you, because in the scheme of a week, and a month, and a year, and a lifetime, four hours is nothing.
When you showed me the gemstones you liked at the museum, it was after my scummy email to Sarah, and I thought you had forgiven me, or at least started the process of doing so, and that you were committed to us and to our future. Shortly after that (maybe it was even on the drive back to our apartment) we were also talking about what our wedding would look like. I don’t understand how you could go from that conversation to a decision to leave me in under a month. Were you just excited about the idea of marriage, and once you considered a marriage to me you decided to leave? Were you just talking about my ring for you, and our wedding, because you were ready to get married, but when you thought about it, you weren’t ready to marry me? Or were you actually interested in marrying me, Davin, when you showed me those stones?
If you were interested in actually marrying me, what changed? The timing of your decision has really been bothering me, and not because it was at such a difficult time of the year to lose you (although you did pick the absolute worst time of the year in terms of our milestones together), but because you made the decision on the same day that you came back from spending a week with you family. I’ve been wondering ever since if they convinced you to leave me, and if they did, what problem or complaint they had with me. I thought that your mom liked me at least a little, and I actually thought of Teryl and James as my friends.
I miss you like crazy, and I hold on to the hope that I will be with you again. If I ever have that chance, I will be a completely different person in terms of letting you do your own thing, and also in terms of being a better partner to you by participating more with your friends and family. I hope you will give me that chance. Until then, I sit and wait with a heart that is quite literally broken.
I’m bummed that I never picked up your cd that I made you from Matt and Heather’s house. I doubt you’ll ask them for it now, because you want to move on, but I wish you still had a copy of that mix that I made you. I gave a copy of it to Steve to give to you when he picked up my climbing rope from you, but you were done meeting with him by that point so I still have the cd. I’m not sure if you remember it or not, but the first song on that mix captures my feelings towards you and our relationship. I like how real our love for each other was, and even though our relationship was imperfect, it was still amazing. I’m sad because I think you were looking for a relationship that doesn’t exist, and in the meantime you left a really great one.
Anyways, here are the lyrics to the song. Hopefully someday you’ll see this letter and read the lyrics, and be reminde of the good things of our relationship.
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They’re spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you’d just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”
So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
With unending love,