02/08/2012

Hey Monkey,

How are you doing?  What are you doing?  What does your life look like now that I’m no longer a part of it.  Is it better, and more full of joy and happiness than it was when I was a part of your daily life?  Is it richer and more fulfilling?  If it is, then I am happy for you, and sad for the fact that I made you so miserable that life without me is so much better that even the pain of a break-up doesn’t keep you from being happier now than you were when we were living together. 

Or do you miss me?  Do you ever cry to yourself at night like I do?  Do you ever look at photos of us, and re-read the letters and cards I wrote to you?  I’ve been doing that all the time, and I still miss you just as much today as I did when you first told me you were moving out.  It’s been over two months since that day, and I miss you as much now as I did then. The pain hasn’t lessened at all, it’s just a little duller than it was before.  Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and I’ve found myself looking at all the valentines you sent me in the past. 

I miss you, more than you’ll probably ever know, and I am so sorry for the way I acted on the last night we saw each other. I was trying to manipulate you to change your decision and make you feel obligated to stay with me, and I’m very sorry for doing that. It was wrong. I also must have scared you more than you’ve probably ever been scared before, and I’m also so sorry for that.  I was truly despondent and suicidal that night, but I’m sorry that I forced you to see it.  I hope that you will be able to forgive me someday. I want that more than I want anything else in the world.

My lawyer told me that he spoke with you again, and you told him that you don’t want to be bothered with any of this, and that you want to move on. He told me that that was your mantra, and that you’ve said it multiple times. He told me that you clearly don’t like it when he calls you, and that it felt like you would prefer it if you weren’t contacted again.  While this is very frustrating because it makes my legal situation that much harder without your help and your cooperation, it is more confusing to me than anything else.  Why are you so reluctant to help me after so many years together, and why are you so quick and anxious to move on?  Are you angry at me, and do you truly want nothing more to do with me?  Or do you miss me, and does every reminder of me make you miss me even worse?  Do you regret your decision, and do these reminders of me make you feel bad?  Or do you feel like it was the right decision? 

If it is the case that you miss me, or that you regret your decision, please don’t let a fear that I will be unwilling to take you back or that my friends and family won’t like you prevent you from coming back to me. I would take you back in a heartbeat, and I would forgive completely. And I know that I would need to ask you for forgiveness as well, and I would, and do. I know that this is probably the least likely outcome that could happen, but I still hope for it everyday. 

If it is the case that you are happier without me already, then I am glad for you, and I am sorry that I kept you trapped in a relationship with me for longer than you wanted. 

I love you more than ever, and time seems to drag by so slowly without you.  I am so afraid that I will never see you or talk to you again, and it defines my daily experience.  If nothing else, I hope that you can forgive me enough so that one day we will have the chance to meet again.

Forever yours,

Dav

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