Today is Valentine’s Day, but it’s anything but happy now that I don’t have you to share it with.  In fact, it’s miserable.  I hope you are having a better day today than I am. I’m feeling that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt non-stop when you first decided to break up with me. It’s been better lately, and I thought that maybe that was because the hurt was getting better with time, but now I think it’s been less intense because I’m on five different medications for depression.  The break-up was incredibly painful, and now I feel that sharp pain all over again because of the fact that you don’t care about what kind of legal trouble I’m in, and you don’t care about helping me out of it either.  It makes me feel like you don’t care about me at all, and like the last five years didn’t mean anything to you.

But I don’t know what you are feeling today.  Maybe you feel miserable, just like it’s possible that you felt miserable on Sunday night during The Walking Dead.  I just don’t think it’s likely.  Maybe you feel like your life has fallen apart as quickly as mine has (although given that you aren’t in legal trouble, I doubt that it has actually fallen apart like mine). I guess I have no idea how you are feeling, but given that you are the one who ended the relationship with me, I am doubtful that you are feeling very sad.  It will be two months since that awful night tomorrow, and one month away from when you originally said that you wanted to see me, but that was before you told Steve and my lawyer that you want to move on and put this behind you, and that you don’t ever want to talk to me again. I heard a song on the radio a day or two ago, and the refrain said “now you’re just somebody that I used to know.”  That’s how I feel about us, and I feel like that’s the way you want things to be.  That is really depressing, especially today.

I wish that I was more poetic, so that I could better express my love and pain without being boring and repetitive, and to also give you a better glimpse into my heart, but I realize that I’m not.  All I can do to speak to you is to be both honest and earnest, and hope that if you ever do read this, that you are patient enough with me to read, and thereby feel, my ache for you that I still feel  as strongly as I did when you first left.

I love you still,


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