02/16/2012

Monkey,

I’m sorry I got so angry with you before, I just don’t understand what I did that was so horrible that you aren’t willing to do anything to help me or my lawyer, and why you are willing to let the justice system chew me up and spit me out like they are going to do if you don’t help.  I don’t buy the idea that you don’t know what’s at stake for me, because I know that you deal with this type of thing all the time in your job, and you must have at least an idea of how detrimental all of this can and will be to my future.  Watching your reaction to all of this, it’s impossible for me to come to any other conclusion than that you hate me, and that you don’t value any of our time together (in spite of what any notes you’ve left me might say, because actions speak much louder than words).  Knowing that you don’t value our time together, and seeing what trouble I’m in because of the night you left me, I have no choice but to think that the last five years have been a waste, and that my time with you was a complete waste of time and energy.

It’s not exaggerating to say that you literally ruined my life.  Last night I caught a glimpse of what my life will look like going forward, and it was pretty pathetic.  Once I move out of my parents house, most of my time will be spent by myself. I can never trust another woman because of you, so consequently I will never be able to be in a meaningful relationship again.  Since coupling up is something that almost everyone is doing and/or will do, that doesn’t leave much of a social life on an average night for me.  In addition, because of this legal crap, I will not be able to leave the state to attend graduate school, nor will I be able to leave the country to work for the state department.  I will also not be able to pass a background check for teaching or for future promotions within the government.  That means that I’ll be living in Boulder in some kind of condo or townhome by myself, working the same job I’m in right now for most of my working life.  I know that this isn’t necessarily a major tragedy, because I’m lucky to have a decent paying job in a desireable location, but it is miles away from the life I always imagined, and it is all because of one mistake on one night, as well as your unwillingness to make any extra effort to help me.

I don’t know what I did to engender such intense hatred of me, but I hope you don’t hold onto that hatred forever.  If you do, I don’t think you’ll be able to find much happiness in your life.  I’ve been begging you for forgiveness for scaring you on that night, and I mean that, but I also feel like you owe me an apology for the callous way you are treating me if we ever meet up in the future (which I now doubt very much).

Davin

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