Thank you for writing a letter for me.  It wasn’t a great letter in terms of getting charges dismissed, but it’s better than nothing.  Do you want me to have criminal charges filed against me?  If you do, then the letter makes sense.  If you don’t, they why didn’t you ask the DA to dismiss the charges against me, instead of asking that  “misdemeanor charges can be dropped to the least degree possible.” And if you do want charges filed against me, why?  What reason do you have for wanting the law involved?  This is all very hurtful and confusing to me.

I was looking through some old photos of us, and I saw one of you and me and your sisters with their husbands at the first Christmas we were together.  We all look very happy, and I can’t help but wonder when I look at that picture what might have happened if a few things had gone differently.  Do you really think that I would be a worse husband than your brother-in-laws?  I don’t think I would be at all.  I would be present and available and helpful to you, unlike Kyle, and I would be willing to live in the same state and see your family more than twice a year, unlike James.  Do you think that if I had proposed sooner, that you would have said yes, or were you always going to say no.  I find myself continuously wishing that I had asked you sooner.  I wish I had asked you while I was still in school at Wyoming, or, at the latest, after I had graduated and found a job.  I don’t know why I didn’t.  Maybe I was afraid of you saying no.  Should I have been afraid?  Or was it only recently, after you found the email from Sarah and after we had lived together that you decided you couldn’t marry me.  Did you get bored of us?

If you would have said yes to me if I had asked you to marry me earlier, at what point did those feelings change towards me?  I know it doesn’t matter now, but I really want to know how I could have done things differently to avoid messing up and losing you.  I still love you, even after all of this legal crap and all of the anger and frustration that came with it.  And as stupid as it might sound, I would still take you back in a heartbeat, even though none of my friends or family would support that decision, and even though they would all think I was crazy.  I would alienate myself from everyone in my life if I needed to in order to be with you again.  I’m very saddened by the knowledge that there is no way that I will ever have that chance.

I still love you Monkey, and I always will. I hope you feel some of that same love towards me as you move forward through life.



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