02/21/2012

Monkey,

Today was the day of my pre-trial hearing, and you were on my mind a lot.  I wasn’t even angry at you any more.  I just wish I could see you again at least once and apologize for threatening to kill myself.  I realize that this is the worst way to manipulate somebody, and I also realize that the guilt you would have felt if I had done something would have been overwhelming, even though my being suicidal was not your fault.  I saw my therapist today, and she told me that playing the suicide card is the worst “card” somebody can ever play, and that it often pushes people away from the person who uses that threat to manipulate forever.  I really hope that doesn’t happen.  I also want you to know that I realize how horrible it was of me to try to manipulate you into staying with me by using that threat.  I would understand why you don’t want to ever talk to me again.  You are probably afraid that I will do it again.  I promise you that I would never do that again, but I don’t know if you think I am trustworthy any more. 

I don’t know what you have told your close friends and family, but even if they only know about my suicide threat, then I understand why all of them were so quick to defriend me on Facebook and to cut me out of their lives completely.  I get it now.  I am so sorry, and you will probably never know just how sorry I am.

I went snowshoeing yesterday with my dad, and I remembered the times you and I went snowshoeing.  We didn’t always go with my family, I remember going with just you at least once.  Those were really special, beautiful times for me, just like teaching you to ski was a very special experience for me.  I wonder if you are ever reminded of those times? 

I miss you, and I really hope you are doing well.  I hope that one day we will have the opportunity to meet and, if nothing else, establish some closure.  I would ideally like to be friends with you, but I also realize that I might not even have the chance to see you again. So that’s what I hope for, and if that’s all I get, I will be grateful.  I also will not blame you if you never want to talk to me again. 

I miss you,

Davin

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