03/14/2012

Hey Monkey,

Tomorrow will be three months since I scared the shit out of you and ruined everything forever.  It was probably already ruined, but if it wasn’t, my actions that night just served to prove to you that you were making the right decision by leaving me.  I’m sorry I was such a controlling, judgmental asshole.  You are your own person, and you should have the freedom to do whatever you want without me commenting on it.  I’ve also realized how creepy and manipulative I was (and probably still am), and I’m sorry that you had to put up with that for so long, and that I kept you in a stifling and scary relationship for as long as I did.  Even this project of writing you letters is creepy, and my original intent to give them all to you at a future point now seems to me to be another attempt to manipulate your emotions into taking me back.

The number of times I have wronged you and screwed up is astonishing when I look back on my time with you.  I was probably one of the worst boyfriends somebody could ever have, and I really think that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that burden.  These letters are now just my quixotic attempt to try and apologize for all of the wrongs I’ve done you, and those are things that won’t go away with an apology, but I’m also going to respect your wishes and never intrude into your life again.  I’m slow and boneheaded at picking up on those signals, but I’ve had some people point out to me how wrong I was and help me to see the situation clearly, and to empathize with how horrific it must have been for you.  I won’t have the chance to speak with you and tell you how sorry I am, and so I’m putting these letters into the cloud, so that perhaps you will read at least one of them someday and at least know that I recognize I was wrong, and that I’m sorry, and that I don’t blame you.  If by any chance you feel any guilt about what happened, maybe reading even one letter will relieve of that burden which you shouldn’t have to shoulder.

I realize that I was and probably still am a cancer, and that nobody should ever have to go through the things that you went through with me.  The world will be a better place if I keep to myself and ensure that no other woman will ever have to suffer because of me.  So even though I was initially trying to make you feel bad by telling you that I would never date again, now I’m resolving to do that for the sake of anyone who might otherwise have the misfortune of having me intrude into their life.

With the passing of three months, I now realize that you probably just gave me that number so that you could get away from me and the relationship with the least amount of drama possible.  And so I don’t have any ill will towards you, and I don’t blame you for never wanting to talk to me ever again, let alone after only a three month break.

I’m sorry,

Davin

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