I had a dream about you last night, and it made me feel as low and helpless as I’ve ever felt. This whole process has shattered my self-esteem and made me feel like a worthless and horrible person.
In my dream, I ran into somewhere and I called your name to get your attention. You came over to me and we started talking, and through the conversation I learned that you were now getting your MFA in Creative Writing at a really prestigious graduate school where a lot of my friends and classmates and professors from graduate school were either students or faculty. You also told me that your work had recently been published, and when I looked it up, I saw that you were a critical and universal success. The book you wrote was basically an account of what happened on the night I went to jail from your point of view, and in your telling, you were both abused and traumatized that night in a manner that left you scarred and broken. Your book also told about how you had overcome that abuse to reach the places where you currently were. After meeting with you, I ran into several of my former classmates and professors, and they all hated me because they had all read your work, and they thought of me as scum and as a dangerous, misogynistic criminal. None of them wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with me. I knew that there was nothing I could do that would ever cause anyone to forgive me or have any sympathy for my side of what happened that night, and that I would be forever ostracized and condemned for it, so I called you up and congratulated you on all of your success, because I knew that nothing I said would change anything anyways, and because I was still desperate for your friendship and forgiveness, even after the passing of several years.
I’ve apologized numerous times, and I’ve meant it every time, and I’ve also begged and extolled you to help me with this legal stuff, but none of it matters, because you will never want to talk to me again. I don’t know what you’ve told your friends and family, but based on the speed and severity with which they severed me from their lives, I can only imagine that you told them lots of bad things about me that left them with absolutely no regard for me as a person. That really bothers me, almost as much as my legal situation bothers me, but I also realize that there is nothing I can do about any of it. And I still miss you with a pain and an ache in my heart that never ceases to monopolize my emotions and my thoughts.
I still love you, and I will never stop loving you. Nobody who does believe my side likes you or has any regard for you, but every time that they tell me to forget about you because you suck, I still love you, and I still want to have you back in my life. I’ve also been on several dates now in an attempt to forget you, but all they have done is remind me of all of the things I miss about you. I miss how effortless it was to talk to you about so many different things and ideas. I miss the physical chemistry that we had. I miss your face, and your smile, and your smell, and your smooth skin, and how beautiful you are. Most of all, I miss your spirit and your personality. You were my one and only, and while I know I’ll never find someone to take your place, I hope that you are able to do so, and that in doing so you’ll find happiness and forget about me, just like you did in my dream.