04/17/2012

Hey Monkey,

It’s been just over four months since I last saw your or spoke with you, and it feels like it’s been forever. I feel like I’m a different person than I was four months ago, and I don’t like a lot of things about the new me.  I miss who I was when you were around and things were good.  I feel more laid back and accepting lately, but I feel like most of that comes from the fact that I don’t really care about anything that much, and from the fact that I am taking five different kinds of mood stabilizers and/or anti-depressants.  I feel sort of numbed.  I also have court coming up this Thursday, and I’m really anxious and apprehensive about that.  I wish that some small part of you was worried about me, or at least hoping for a positive outcome for me, but most likely you’ve barely thought about me in at least two months. You have a big, 30th birthday coming up, and in all likelihood I won’t even be able to wish you a happy birthday.  That’s a very sad thought for me to process. 

I miss the domestic life that I had with you, and I miss how much fun I had with you in everything that we did, as well as all of the common activities and interests we had.  I always appreciated those, but I never knew how rare they were until you were gone.  I started dating a while ago, and I’ve met some nice people, but none of them are even close to as much fun as you, and I don’t feel nearly as natural or as comfortable with them as I did with you during the first month of our relationship.  From my first date with you, I knew I didn’t want to date anybody else, and that I wanted a serious relationship with you. I don’t feel that with any of these new women.  With them, I can hang out with them and have fun, but I feel like it’s mostly about the sex, and I can’t really see myself being serious with any single one of them.  Being with these new women makes me miss you even more than I did when you first left me.

Since you left, I’ve sought solace in snatch and sex, and I’ve become lost in a maze of regular sex with different women, and obsessed with pussy and sensuality.  But without the sex, I haven’t felt close to anyone, and even with the sex I haven’t even approached the level of intimacy that I felt with you on our very first date.  I wonder if you’ve had any similar experiences, or if you are just thrilled to be rid of the depressed psycho you were saddled with for almost five years.

The thought of your upcoming birthday, and the knowledge that I won’t be a part of it, is really depressing to me. I miss you, and I hope you are doing better than I am.

I still love you,

Davin

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