I read a post that you shared on Kristin Scheuman’s Facebook page yesterday, and it was a quote by somebody like Desmond Tutu or something that talked about the meaning of Ubuntu and how it urges us to embrace the generosity of the human spirit and be generous to each other, or something like that. My first thought upon seeing you post that was “are you fucking kidding me?” Coming from you, that has got to be one of the most hypocritical things that you could ever post. I know that it was manipulative of me to threaten suicide over you leaving me, and that it was wrong of me to scare you that night, but I’ve also spent the first half of this journal apologizing for that night. I also know that the majority of the fault for charges being filed that night lies with the police and not with you. In fact, I’ve defended you to my friends and family by saying that you aren’t the one who wanted charges pressed that night.
However, in spite of all of this, I think it’s pretty clear that you have not been generous in any way since you decided to break up with me a week before Christmas just so you could save yourself a few hundred dollars on rent. You did this after showing me engagement stones you liked a month before you decided to leave me. Then, on that night you freely offered up extra information to the cops even after Steve told you not to, and you have proceeded to cooperate with the police and the DA ever since, even going so far as to tell them that you were scared of me even though you know I would never hurt you. On top of that, you’ve been using a restraining order selfishly, as if it was a personal tool for breaking up with someone as easily as possible instead of a protective tool, and you’ve refused to help me or my lawyer even though doing so could have made the charges disappear AND save me thousands of dollars in legal fees.
In spite of all of these things, you still have the audacity to pretend like you are actually a generous person who cares about her fellow humans. You have such an inflated and warped self-image of what kind of person you are that it is astounding. The only things that you do to be helpful are your job and occasionally volunteering, and even your job is suspect because it’s likely you picked it primarily to have summers off to spend with your family. The vast majority of your time and energy is spent figuring out how you can get what you want and have a relationship that revolves around you and your family. How is that a generous way to live? How does ignoring me and emotionally abusing me when we were together exhibit the “spirit of Ubuntu”? If it is Ubuntu, if this is how you “treasure someone in your heart forever” who you supposedly “shared a special love with”, then you are completely clueless and narcissistic. I hope you aren’t that delusional, but I suspect that you are. You live in such a self-obsession with nephews and mothers and sisters that you bury your head in the sand to everything else, and you judge harshly anything that differs from the ideal family image that you have created inside your head; an image where you continue to spend summer vacations roadtripping to Wisconsin well into your adulthood, and where nothing ever changes in your relationship with your sisters at the same time that you get to have children and marry a man who will do whatever you want.
Part of me hopes that you can pull your head out of your ass soon enough that you can find a decent guy to build your own family with, but that is overly generous of me. I should be hoping that you remain a lonely spinster for the rest of your life, free to babysit whenever your sister needs you.