I’ve gone through so many emotions about what happened to us that I can’t even count them all. I’ve run the gamut from depression to overwhelming sadness to anger and back to sadness, and now I’m back at a weird mixture of sadness and melancholy. It’s been five months now, and I still miss you very much. I’m afraid that I’m not ever going to get over losing you, especially because I’m afraid that I’ll never have a chance to ever see you or speak with you again. In fact, I’m afraid that I will never have any contact with you in any way, and that is a very sad thought to me.
I no longer desperately long to get back together with you, but I still miss what we had together. I miss it very much. I feel so lonely and empty without you or the relationship we had together. Maybe that’s unhealthy (it probably is) but I can’t help it. I miss the companionship and stability that we had, and how all of the little quirks, routines, and even annoyances contributed to creating that place that was, at least for me, quickly becoming a home. I miss seeing you and talking to you daily, and now I have no idea what is happening in your life.
I do know that you turned 30, and that you are dating again. We are both clearly dating again. I’m not sure what your experience has been like with online dating, but mine has been very disappointing. Even though I’m meeting lots of new people, in some ways I feel even lonelier than I do when I’m alone. I definitely can’t ever picture having what I had with you with any of the people I’ve met, and I’ve gone on quite a few dates. It’s actually really easy for me to meet people and to get dates from Okcupid. I have women contact me all the time, and I’ve also found it incredibly easy to get laid from the site, but none of it is rewarding beyond the immediate satisfaction of sex, and none of the people I meet do anything to quell the loneliness I feel. I probably shouldn’t be looking towards other people to feel any type of void, but it’s hard not to when the void I’m trying to fill is the one that you left. Many of the women I’ve met are very quick to be physically intimate, but then when I try to be more intimate in other ways, they invariably say that things are moving to quickly and that they either don’t think they are ready to date, or that they don’t want to date me. Either way it seems to imply that they don’t want to be with me, even though they have no problem being physically intimate with me.
I don’t know what your experience with online dating has been, but I’ve found myself wondering if you are having any more luck than I am. From what I’ve heard, most of the guys on OkCupid are either really weird, too old, or really sleazy or creepy. I keep wondering if you are meeting decent, fun guys who you are attracted to you and who you have fun with, or if your experiences on the website are making me, and by extension our relationship, look better in retrospect.
Beyond your dating experience, I also find myself wondering what you are feeling about our relationship. Do you even think about it anymore? When you do, do you think about in terms of dodging a bullet, or are you also struggling with feelings of loneliness and regret? If you are, I wish you would contact me. I don’t imagine that we will ever get together again, or that we could even if we wanted to, but I do think it would be helpful to both of us to bring some closure to what we had beyond that horrible night five months ago where everything went wrong. Maybe you aren’t bothered by the passing of our time together, but I find myself reliving that final night whenever I think about us, and I continuously relive that night in my mind, wishing I would have done just about everything differently than I did, and hoping against hope that I will someday have a chance to set things right.
You probably aren’t lonely because you have your family and all of your friends to support you and spend time with you. I wonder if you ever miss talking about things with me, whether they are current events from the news or personal achievements or stories from work and from life. This current massive wildfire at Hewlett Gulch seems like something that we both would have noticed and commented upon, and because of this it serves as yet another reminder of what I lost when you left.
I miss you deeply, and seemingly unendingly as well.