05/29/2012

Dear Marnie,

I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll never be able to leave you behind and fill the void that you left in my heart, and it’s both overwhelming and frightening.  So many things remind me of you, and most of those memories are wonderful, happy memories for me, and even the passing of time has done almost nothing to lessen the frequency of these memories.  For example, every time I see a picture that was obviously taken on a beach or in Latin America, I’m reminded of the two trips we took down there, and of the unique things we saw, like the restaurant and bar that was made out of an old U.S. Air Force bomber plane, or a Lake Ometepe.  Or like the description I recently saw of a fancy, naturalistic house somewhere that uses a natural waterfall as a shower.  That reminded me of the eco lodge that we stayed at in Costa Rica, and how much fun we had there dining and exploring the nearby waterfall and drinking freshly made lime margaritas.  So many of the happiest memories of my life happened with you in the past five years, and I can’t seem to shake them or shelve them in the recesses of my mind, and so I am instead confronted with them on an almost daily basis.  I also haven’t made a single happy, lasting memory since you left me, and that also bothers me greatly.

I know I shouldn’t look at your dating profile or Facebook profile, because all it does is torture me with the knowledge that you never want to talk to me again, but I keep doing so, because, as painful as it is, it is also the only way that I have of keeping you in my life (even if that way is to painfully remind myself that you’re gone).  Every time I look at your profile, it’s like someone has stuck their finger in my open wound and start poking around inside of it, and the hangnail keeps catching on the loose edges of the puncture wound. I wish that I could know that even if you don’t want to be with me anymore, at least part of you still missed what we had, but from everything I’ve seen and heard, it feels like you are relieved to have me out of your life.  It’s heartbreaking knowledge to possess, but as I try to move on and pathetically attempt to make new friends and relationships, I can’t blame you. 

As life moves on without you, I realize how frustrating and stifling it must have been to date me, and how pathetic I must have seemed both during the relationship and especially during the break up.  I’m surprised you stayed with me for as long as you did, and even though it breaks my heart, I’m not surprised that you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, and that you are looking for the complete opposite of me in your next boyfriend.  As I’ve been dating, I’ve met some smart, nice, and attractive women, and initially it seems like things are going really well, and that they maybe even like me.  However, as we talk and spend time together, the real me inevitably comes out, and once they see how needy and insecure I am, they inevitably back away.  They normally do this either by never returning my texts or calls, or by telling me that they are not ready to date or that they need some space.  I’ve been a lot better about respecting that with them than I was with you (I’m sorry about that), but I also don’t believe them when they say it, because they never take their dating profiles down.  So they obviously don’t want to stop dating or looking for a relationship, they just don’t want to do those things once they have a better idea of who I am.  I’ve had plenty of people contact me, which makes me think that they must think I’m attractive in my photos or that I have a well-written profile, but once they meet me it seems like they are almost always disappointed, and that usually marks the end of my contact with them. 

Somehow you managed to put up with me for five years, so it’s not really that surprising that you eventually left, knowing what I now know about how others view me.  I’m sorry that I overreacted so strongly to you leaving, because that seems like it’s the natural reaction that people (or women at least ) have to meeting me.

I’ll always love you and miss you,

Davin

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