I met with my psychiatrist today in order to ask him to write me a letter for my legal situation, and I gave him some notes I had prepared that outlined what I thought was a good description of my state the night I was arrested that I thought would be helpful in convincing a DA to drop or reduce the charges against me. After he read the letter, my psychiatrist told me that he didn’t think such a letter would be helpful at all, and that instead of making me look less dangerous, my letter made me look like a crazy, suicidal maniac, and that it was wont to make any DA want to pursue charges like the ones I am facing even more aggressively. He then added those notes to the file that he has on me, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe he also thought I was a crazy, suicidal maniac, and that the notes I had prepared were evidence of this, because they were obviously a window into how I view what happened that night and the mental state that I was in while they happened.
Seeing him add those notes to my file, and hearing him describe the impression that my actions that night would most likely give to an impartial observer made me better understand why you want nothing to do with me. You probably also look at me like I am a suicidal maniac, and you probably think yourself lucky to have escaped me and that relationship. Given that you were coming from that perspective, I can see why you wouldn’t want to drop the restraining order by helping me to get the charges dropped as soon as possible, and I can also see why you don’t ever want to have anything to do with me ever again, and why you want to wipe me from your life completely like you have done. And I don’t blame you for any of this. You are mistaken if you think that I would ever have hurt you, but I can see how crazy and unreasonable my actions were that night, and I know how hard it is, and foolish, to trust the word of someone with mental problems. Your friends and family probably view me as a crazy maniac as well, and that is most likely why they want nothing to do with me going forward. I’m sorry I acted so irrationally that night, and that I scared you as badly as I did. I hope that someday you can forgive me, and possibly understand why I was so upset, even if you do decide to exile me from your life forever. And if you decide to do this, I will not judge you or begrudge you that decision in any way.
As time has passed since you left me, and as I’ve tried unsuccessfully to move on and date again, I’ve also come to realize that the complaints that you had about our relationship, which I arrogantly dismissed as overly sensitive and unimportant, are actually complaints that most women would also have about me, and that you were actually far more patient, kind, and caring about my inability to provide you with the aspects of the relationship that you desired than most women would have been. In all likelihood, most women would have cheated on me after five years in a relationship with me, but you never did, and you never would have either. You are a far better person than I ever gave you credit for, and you possess and well of kindness and integrity that is rare to find. And I took all of it for granted, and I discounted all of your complaints as being silly. Most women want just as much physical affection as you do, if not more, and nobody would have put up with my suicidal threats and manipulations even once, yet you put up with them on multiple occasions. I see now that the patience that you exhibited towards me for so long could only have come from a place of deep and abiding love, and that you really did love me, even if you didn’t help me with any of my legal situation.
I don’t blame you for deciding that you wanted nothing to do with me once you decided to leave me. I was a negative, unpleasant, poisonous element in your life (and in the world in general) for most of our five years together. I tried to keep you from seeing your friends and family as much as you could and should have, and I tried to make you into the person who I wanted you to be, instead of celebrating you for the amazing person that you are. I isolated you from the social, joyful world in which you normally lived, and I brought you down to my miserable, insecure, and fearful world instead.
When I first saw you on the dating website, I was arrogant enough to think that you were never going to mind someone who was as good of a partner as I was, and I told myself that you were probably finding only duds, and that you were likely to miss me after going on several dates with weirdos. And while it’s true that there are a lot of creeps and weirdos on that site, it’s also true that there are probably a ton of guys on there who are nicer, funnier, smarter, and more attractive than me who are dying to meet you, and that I probably look like a creep and a weirdo compared to most of the people who you are meeting on there. On top of that, I’m probably more arrogant than most of those people as well, because I am so unaware that I don’t even realize how weird and creepy I am, and instead I’m operating in a fantasy world where you are lucky to meet someone even half as good as me, when in reality it’s probably the opposite for you. You are probably overwhelmed by the number of emails and messages you are having to sort through, many of them from normal, fun and decent men.
I’m sorry that I kept you from experiencing a normal life full of joy and opportunity and love for so long, and I hope that you can find it soon enough that the delay you experienced with me will not keep you from achieving what you want from life.