Last week I had my deadline on whether or not I was going to accept a plea bargain or move on to trial. I really wanted to take the charges all the way to trial, because I think they are incredibly unfair and unjust, but my lawyer said that he didn’t think that was the best idea, because he didn’t have much confidence that you would try to help me avoid punishment when it was your turn to testify. He thought it likely that you would say you were scared for your own safety or something, and that if you did say that, you would harm my case and probably turn the jury against me. He also said it wouldn’t help my case if you started crying on the stand, and knowing you as well as I do (or as well as I thought I did) that was almost certain to happen.
So I took the deal because it was the lesser of two evils, but doing so was really crappy for a couple of reasons. The worst outcome of accepting the plea bargain is that I can most likely never become a teacher, because I will always have a domestic violence charge on my criminal record. That really sucks. Almost as bad as that is the fact that the restraining order that prevents us from ever having a conversation to put this behind us and clear the air was extended for another year. I know it was unlikely that I would ever talk to you again, but now that likelihood is basically zero. I still miss you immensely, but at this stage I know that we can never again be together. What I hope for now is the chance to one day speak with you so that we can end on a better note than the nightmarish circumstances under which we parted ways forever. I hate that night is your final image of me, and your final memory, and I would give anything to have the chance to change that .
Needless to say I was very angry last week, and most of that anger was directed at you. I still don’t understand why you have done the things you’ve done to actively harm me and help the DA with this unjust and unfair persecution, but you have. It makes me think that you must really hate me and think of me as a crazy, pyschotic person. That makes me really sad, but I can also understand why you would think that. I never understood it before, but now I think I have a better idea of how unfair it is to do the things I did that night right before the eyes of someone who loves you, or who at least once loved you.
I don’t know if you ever loved me or not, but I draw some comfort from thinking that you did once, and knowing that, I realize how traumatizing it must have been for you to see me try to kill myself. I had a claimant today who saw her husband die before her eyes from an intentional overdose, and she said that she has never been able to get that image out of her mind ever since it happened. She has had to go to intense therapy, and she even tried to take her own life in the aftermath of his death. I am so sorry that I put you through that, and knowing how hard that must have been, I can better understand why you want a clean break between us, so that you can move forward and put that nightmare behind you. You are also probably afraid that something similar would happen again, and that, more than any other likelihood, is the reason why I will probably never see you again. At least that’s what I like to think; that your not wanting to see me comes from a place of love, and not from a place of hate. I guess I will never actually know which one it is, but all I can do is tell you again how sorry I am for putting you through that.
I still love you, and I will always love you. The passage of time has done almost nothing to dull the pain I feel inside when I think about you, or the emptiness that memories of you bring, and nobody who I meet comes anywhere close to you as a life partner. I miss you so much.