I am writing you this letter without any expectation that you will read it, or that, even if you do, that I will ever receive a response from you. Nevertheless, I need to write you this letter hoping that you can do the decent thing and at least answer some questions one last time from someone who you claim to have loved in the past.
I’m not sure if you are truly ignorant of what has happened to me legally, or if you just don’t care what happens to me, or if you know what the consequences of involving are for involving the police that night and you think that I deserve them. If you truly think that I deserved to be arrested and charged with domestic violence because of the events that happened on the night that we last saw each other, then I would like for you to tell me so, and there won’t be much, if anything, that I can say in resp0nse, except to apologize. If you were genuinely scared for your safety, I am sorry. You never had a reason to be scared though, and you were never in any danger, and I am confused that you would not realize this. But either way I’m sorry. However, if you are either pleading ignorance or apathy, then that means several very important things.
If you are claiming that you didn’t know what happened to me, or that you had no idea that involving the cops and cooperating with the police on our final night together would lead to my arrest and subsequent conviction, then that is disheartening and pathetic. For a so called “mental health professional” to be so woefully ignorant of the lifelong consequences of involving the authorities when there is no reason to involve is frightening in its implications in terms of the future damage you will do to families in your capacity as a school counselor because you naive trust and belief in the judgement and discretion of the legal system. You will inevitably tear more than one family apart, and ruin the life and the future of more than one parent, because you mistakenly think that calling the police is the first and best option, and that doing so will not ever result in mistakes or permanent stains on people’s records. And you cannot claim that you didn’t want the police involved, because you signed a voluntary release to let them search our apartment, and you continued to speak with them and cooperate them and give them information that they then used to continue their prosecution of me. So if you are pleading ignorance, you need to learn the reality of how the legal system works so that you don’t wreck any addional havoc in the future.
If you just didn’t care what happened to me, then that is perhaps the most depressing reason for why you didn’t help me to fight the charges against me, and instead chose to help the prosecution build their case against me. This is the worst reason because if you didn’t care about what happened to me, then I also find it impossible to believe that you ever loved me. I am saddened because I think that this is the most likely reason for why you turned your back on me and left me and my future to rot beneath the weight of the district attorney and the legal system. For you, the “innocent victim”, it was easy to pretend that hiding behind the restraining order and selfishly using the legal system to end a five year relationship as easily and painlessly as possible was a valid way to handle the situation that arose. You even convinced yourself that it was in both of our best interests to have the law involved and to have a restraining order because you claimed that it helped us have a clean separation and allowed for both of us to “move on with our lives.”
This is clearly not true, as I am still on probation for another year, during which time I cannot travel outside of the state, and, once probation ends, I will have a permanent record that will prevent me from the majority of employment options that I would previously have been pursuing. Every time I think about these things and realize that they are a direct result of our breakup and your abandonment of me to the legal system, I am reminded of our relationship and our breakup. So the restraining order that you claimed helped us both move on may have helped you to do so, but it actually has made it impossible for me to ever truly move on. Instead I am reminded daily of the painful end to our relationship, and I am left doubting the entire five years that we spent together.
You left a note on the counter of our apartment that said that we had shared a special love together, and that you would treasure your time with me, but I do not believe any of that. Somebody who shared a special love with someone would not abandon me to unfair charges and the weight of the courts just so they could move on more easily with a breakup. As for me, I regret every single moment of the five years that I spent with you, and I can say without hesitation that meeting you was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I would be better off if the last five years had never happened, or if I could wipe them from the record. And I don’t just mean the five years of our relationship; I’m including every single thing that happened over the past five years, from my job leading students abroad, to my master’s degree, to every trip that I took with you, to any friend that I met and every experience that I had. I would happily trade all of those things to be able to go back and prevent myself from ever meeting you.
This entire experience has left me broken, bitter, and permanently ruined going forward. I don’t expect you to care, because I don’t believe that you care about me or that you ever did, but beyond the ramifications of having a criminal record on my future career options, they also make it highly unlikely that any woman is ever going to want to develop a relationship with me once they find out, and it’s also impossible to see myself ever trusting another woman, especially knowing the power they will have to use the legal system against me just like you did.
If you are still reading this letter, know that if you were scared of danger to yourself, that you shouln’t have been, because I would never have done anything to hurt you, as you should know since I never threatened you that night. If you did think that, I’m sorry, and if you didn’t, and you instead just hid behind this entire situation, then shame on you, and congratulations on invalidating our entire relationship. I hope you will be kinder and more compassionate going forward in life, and that you will realize that the world isn’t as black and white as you see it, and that you have tremendous power and influence with regards to others and their futures. I hope that you learn how to be kinder and more responsible with this power.