Final Apology Letter


I don’t expect that you will ever read this letter, but I’m writing it because I hope that you will someday.  It’s been over a year and a half since we broke up, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that night, as well as about our relationship and the dynamics of the relationship that led up to that night, and I’ve realized several very important things.  For a while I was really angry with you because I blamed you for all of the legal trouble I was in and because I thought that you were foolish and unrealistic in your decision to break up with me (and that you would never find another partner who was better than me or a relationship that was better than the one we shared), but I realize now that you made the right decision for you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that sooner so that I could help make the process of breaking up easier and more mature.

I’m sorry that I tried to manipulate you into staying with me by making you feel sad and guilty, and I’m sorry that I made it so hard for you to break up with me over the course of our relationship.  That was unfair and selfish of me, and I’m sorry. I realize that we will never talk to each other again because of that night, and I understand and appreciate that this is my fault, and it makes me even more sorry about the way I acted.  I just want you to know that you were a really special and amazing woman, and I’m sorry I didn’t do more to appreciate you and show you that fact. I’m also sorry that I took so many of the amazing things about you for granted.

You used to complain that I never complimented you or made you feel special, and at the time I would dismiss those complaints and concerns as stupid and unrealistic instead of taking them to heart and working hard to make you feel special.  I’m sorry about that.  You are very unique and very special, and you deserve to be with someone who recognizes that and celebrates it.  You also deserve to be with someone who doesn’t criticize everything you do, even when what you are doing is completely normal.  Steve Johnson just had twins, and I got really excited when they were born.  That made me realize how absurd it was when I criticized you for getting excited about the births of your nephews, when I did the same thing for someone who isn’t even my sibling.  The birth of a baby is a big deal, but I was always so negative and cynical to you that I never admitted this, and instead of getting excited with you, I criticized you for having a normal reaction to such a positive and momentous event.  I’m really sorry about that, and about criticizing you for spending time with your friends, or for going to church, or any of the other things I unfairly criticized you about.  I had way more faults and habits that were worthy of criticism that you were happy to ignore, but I was such an arrogant and pompous asshole that I never realized or appreciated how tolerant and forgiving you were of me.  You are the only person outside of my family who has ever really loved me for who I am, and I repaid that to you by being an overbearing and controlling jerk.  I’m sorry I was so controlling and dismissive.

In the time that has passed since we broke up I’ve realized through my interactions with other people just how unique and amazing you are.  I used to tell you that you were high maintenance and lazy and all kinds of other horrible things, but you are probably the most low maintenance woman I’ve ever been with.  You are also kind and giving and funny and affectionate and smart, and any other man would be much smarter than I was and recognize those qualities for the rarities that they are.  I’ve realized that I am lazy, selfish, negative,  needy and controlling and possessed of many of the other negative character traits that I used to unfairly attribute to you, and I recognize now that I was almost always criticizing you for things I didn’t like about myself, which is completely ridiculous.

You were and are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I realize now how badly I blew it by ruining things with you, and not just by my actions on our final night together, but also by my behavior over the course of our relationship.  I took you for granted far too often, and now that I realize just how special you were, as well as how rare it is to meet someone with whom you have the deep and easy connection that we had, I miss you and what I had with you even more.  However, I also know that you didn’t get nearly as much out of the relationship as you put into it, and that you are better off without me.  I’m sorry that I took up so much of your 20’s, and I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of being a good boyfriend.

I don’t expect a response, but I do hope that you have at least read this so that you know that I don’t blame you for anything, and that I’m sorry that I made it so hard and traumatic for you to make the right decision and leave me.  In fact, it’s selfish of me to even send you this letter, but I never had a chance to say goodbye, and this letter is my way of doing that.  I hope you are doing well, and that you are happy, and that you have found someone who values you and treats you in the manner that you deserve.  You will always occupy a very special place in my heart, and I don’t think I’ll ever love another the way I loved you.  I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of showing you that when we were together, and I’m sorry I didn’t respect your happiness enough to let you leave me without a struggle or a scene to find someone else who was more deserving of your love and kindness.



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