Every time that I think I am finally over you, something happens that reminds me how much baggage I still have to overcome that is a result of our relationship and the way it ended. To be fair, a lot of the baggage I have comes from previous issues that were only made worse by the trauma of our breakup, and that itself was a direct result of my mistakes and issues and weirdness. So I’m not blaming you. I know that if I hadn’t acted so drastically and irrationally, then our final contact with each other wouldn’t have been as final and unpleasant as it was. But I did act that way, and as much as I would like to take it back, I can’t. So instead I’m forced to live with the consequences of that night, and those consequences continue to reverberate throughout my life in strange, painful, and unanticipated ways.
One of the major issues that I have always had, and that was made worse by our sudden and angry parting, was the issue I have been being abandoned. I obviously had that issue even before I met you, and I don’t know it’s exact origins, but I do know that our sudden parting (and the impossiblity of any future contact with you, ever), made an issue that was clearly very serious even worse. I’m constantly confronted by this problem in all of the relationships that I’ve had since we last saw each other, and every time it makes me feel like an anxious freak. And yet I also feel that this anxiety is almost always validated when the person I’m with decides to end things. I’m not sure if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy where my anxiety serves to drive the person away, or if it’s more of a case of being highly perceptive and sensitive towards signs that would happen whether I was anxious or not, but almost every relationship I’ve had since you has ended suddenly and without any sign that I could clearly read, and it has always been sad and hurtful to me, even if I don’t blame the person for wanting something different than I can give. These separations have also made me seriously question what qualities of mine make it so difficult for women to want me as a partner, and even though I have some theories and ideas, nobody ever tells me exactly what it is about me that makes them leave. I’m no longer so depressed to think that I’ll never be able to find a life partner, but I do honestly believe that the reason I have such a hard time with relationships is because I have a difficult personality to date. However, I also don’t think that I’m a huge jerk or anything like that, and I can’t identify any obvious things that I can and should easily change, so I’m left with the distinct feeling that I will have to feel lucky if I ever meet somebody who can tolerate me and want to be with me, and if I ever meet somebody like that, I’ll be smart to count my blessings and stay with them, even if they have a lot of characteristics that dont’ adhere to my ideals.
I do wonder if my anxiety drives people away more quickly than they would otherwise leave. With Jodie I obsessed over a small issue in a non-fight, and that probably made me look crazy. It definitely seems like it pushed her away faster than she might have otherwise left. Then with Natalie, when I tried to have text message discussions concerning why she didn’t want to see me anymore, I ended up scaring her away so that I never heard from her again. I think I may have done the same thing with Erin. Whenever she mentioned wanting to talk about us, I always assumed that it was because she was going to dump me. She did eventually do that, and when she did, instead of leaving her alone and allowing a friendship to exist, I kept pushing until I made it so she didn’t want to even be friends with me or have any contact at all, let alone date me. Now with Mikaela I made a mopey and passive aggressive comment about dating after all of her shit at the end of the semester ends, and I haven’t heard back from her. And instead of just letting it go, it’s been eating away at me all day and filling me with a tremendous sense of anxiety. I remember the same thing happening with you when we used to fight over text message. I would never let things go until we could talk about them in person, and so these stupid fights over nothing would drag on all day and sap both of our energy while resolving nothing. Most of the time it wasn’t even a big deal (maybe you wanted to visit your sister that night or something), but I never just let it go, and I always made things worse for you and for us by fixating on these issues like a pitbull and never just dropping what was normally a stupid argument anyways. I never learned to just accept it when you would say “let’s just stop talking about it and let it go”, or “we can talk about it later tonight when we both get home”. I’m sure that tenacious obssession with fighting wasn’t good for our relationship, and even though I don’t fight like that anymore, I’m still way to obssessive and anxious about things that are probably imagined, and that hasn’t been healthy for any of my subsequent relationships either.
I don’t know why I’m so fucked up, and why I don’t have any self-confidence. I don’t know how to fix it either.
Every time I listen to Bob Dylan’s “The Girl From the North Country”, it always makes me thing about you. There is one line that says “I wonder, if, she remembers me at all. Many times I’ve hoped and prayed…” and I sometimes get stupid and romantic and wonder whether you remember me at all. But then I realize how absurd that is, because how could you forget sometime as traumatic as the last night we saw each other. Of course you remember me. What I wonder, is whether or not you have any positive, joyful memories of me, or if you just remember me as a controlling, psychotic asshole. That question is one that I don’t know the answer to. That’s the issue that I hope and pray for; that you still have some kindness in your heart and your memories for me and the time we spent together. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t, and I wouldn’t judge you harshly if that’s the case.