05/17/2012

Hi Marnie,

I’ve gone through so many emotions about what happened to us that I can’t even count them all.  I’ve run the gamut from depression to overwhelming sadness to anger and back to sadness, and now I’m back at a weird mixture of sadness and melancholy.  It’s been five months now, and I still miss you very much.  I’m afraid that I’m not ever going to get over losing you, especially because I’m afraid that I’ll never have a chance to ever see you or speak with you again. In fact, I’m afraid that I will never have any contact with you in any way, and that is a very sad thought to me. 

I no longer desperately long to get back together with you, but I still miss what we had together. I miss it very much.  I feel so lonely and empty without you or the relationship we had together.  Maybe that’s unhealthy (it probably is) but I can’t help it.  I miss the companionship and stability that we had, and how all of the little quirks, routines, and even annoyances contributed to creating that place that was, at least for me, quickly becoming a home.  I miss seeing you and talking to you daily, and now I have no idea what is happening in your life.

I do know that you turned 30, and that you are dating again.  We are both clearly dating again.  I’m not sure what your experience has been like with online dating, but mine has been very disappointing.  Even though I’m meeting lots of new people, in some ways I feel even lonelier than I do when I’m alone.  I definitely can’t ever picture having what I had with you with any of the people I’ve met, and I’ve gone on quite a few dates. It’s actually really easy for me to meet people and to get dates from Okcupid. I have women contact me all the time, and I’ve also found it incredibly easy to get laid from the site, but none of it is rewarding beyond the immediate satisfaction of sex, and none of the people I meet do anything to quell the loneliness I feel.  I probably shouldn’t be looking towards other people to feel any type of void, but it’s hard not to when the void I’m trying to fill is the one that you left.  Many of the women I’ve met are very quick to be physically intimate, but then when I try to be more intimate in other ways, they invariably say that things are moving to quickly and that they either don’t think they are ready to date, or that they don’t want to date me.  Either way it seems to imply that they don’t want to be with me, even though they have no problem being physically intimate with me.

I don’t know what your experience with online dating has been, but I’ve found myself wondering if you are having any more luck than I am.  From what I’ve heard, most of the guys on OkCupid are either really weird, too old, or really sleazy or creepy.  I keep wondering if you are meeting decent, fun guys who you are attracted to you and who you have fun with, or if your experiences on the website are making me, and by extension our relationship, look better in retrospect. 

Beyond your dating experience, I also find myself wondering what you are feeling about our relationship.  Do you even think about it anymore?  When you do, do you think about in terms of dodging a bullet, or are you also struggling with feelings of loneliness and regret?  If you are, I wish you would contact me.  I don’t imagine that we will ever get together again, or that we could even if we wanted to, but I do think it would be helpful to both of us to bring some closure to what we had beyond that horrible night five months ago where everything went wrong.  Maybe you aren’t bothered by the passing of our time together, but I find myself reliving that final night whenever I think about us, and I continuously relive that night in my mind, wishing I would have done just about everything differently than I did, and hoping against hope that I will someday have a chance to set things right.

You probably aren’t lonely because you have your family and all of your friends to support you and spend time with you.  I wonder if you ever miss talking about things with me, whether they are current events from the news or personal achievements or stories from work and from life.  This current massive wildfire at Hewlett Gulch seems like something that we both would have noticed and commented upon, and because of this it serves as yet another reminder of what I lost when you left.

I miss you deeply, and seemingly unendingly as well.

Love always,

Davin

 

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05/02/2012

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to move on and get over you.  You seem to be doing so smoothly and without any problems, and I doubt you even miss me.  Every single one of your Okcupid answers that you give a negative explanation for are clearly references to me, like how you think using the term “bitch” is indicative of a complete and total lack of respect towards women.  What about all of the times when you called me an asshole or questioned my manhood.  I wonder if you even remember those incidents.  I also wonder if you even notice, or care, that most of your profile photos on Okcupid happened while you were with me.  Your main picture came from Patrick’s wedding, and the one that I saw you add most recently was one that I took of you while we were looking for owls.  Do you even remember doing that with me?  Do you know where that picture comes from, or did you just think it was a nice, flattering photo of you?  Even though you have literally ruined my life going forward, I still have very pleasant memories of our walks near our house to find owls and fox kits, as well of all of the other routines that we developed in our time together.  I wish you had that feeling towards our relationship as well, but it seems like, in your mind, our relationship was a nightmare that you can’t leave behind quickly enough.  Does that feeling come from just one night?  Did one horrible night ruin an entire five year relationship for you?

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05/01/2012

Marnie,

I didn’t have a chance to write you a letter on your birthday, but it wasn’t because I didn’t have time.  It was just too hard to go near the subject of you and us on that day, because before you broke up with me, I was really excited to help you celebrate your 30th birthday in grand style, and I wanted to do something really special to surprise you.  It makes me sad that I never had the chance to do that, and instead I had to settle for a really lame text message that you probably didn’t even read.

I keep going through waves, where sometimes the pain of losing you starts to recede into the background of my awareness, only to be jolted back into my daily, primary consciousness by something like your birthday coming around, or a new profile picture on your Facebook page.  For example, I saw that you have a new profile picture of you with Teryl flashing the sign for turning 30, and you look really happy in the picture.  I am annoyed that you can be so happy while I am so miserable, but more than anything, I am hurt that you don’t seem to miss me at all.  I know that your dating profile wasn’t written to me, and that makes the answers even more hurtful, because they make it look like you just got out of a relationship that made you completely miserable and that we weren’t compatible in any way, and it also makes it look like the only thing you miss about our relationship is all of the movies that we used to see together.

I am glad that you are happy, but it fills me with self-doubt to see how much happier you are now than you were with me.  You don’t even seem to have had that much pain or sadness that you needed to process that was related to the end of a five year relationship.  I’m also very angry at you for reasons completely unrelated to my legal situation and your callousness in that regard.  I’m also angry at you because you still have so much power over my feelings, and because you can still make me hurt for the loss of you and miss you with an stinging, burning intensity that, when I feel it, has barely diminished in over four months.  It’s true that I feel it less frequently, but when it strikes me, it does so with the same force as it did immediately after we first parted ways.  In fact, sometimes it is even more painful, because I can see that it isn’t diminishing or improving at all. 

I saw you that you were on Okcupid on your birthday in the late afternoon or early evening, and I wondered if you were saddened by your age and your current situation, and I was hopeful that at least a part of you missed me and what we had together.  I really doubt that that is the case, but at the time I felt nothing but empathy and kindness towards you for not being where you wanted to be at age 30.  At the same time, most, if not all, of the blame for that lies with you, because you are the one who decided to leave me.  I don’t know if you’ve gone on any dates yet or not, but I think that once you start dating, you will see how awkward and painful it can be.  When you come to this realization, I hope that at least part of you can recognize the things about me that were unique and special, and that you miss those things, as well as the way that those qualities (and your special qualities as well) contributed to a relationship that was actually pretty special.  I also wish that you could show me just some of the kindness and empathy that I felt towards you on your birthday, and that I tried to show to you in the only way I was able (a text message). I risked jail by doing so, but to me it was worth so that you could know that I was thinking of you on that special day.

I don’t know why it is so easy for us humans to destroy things.  We are creatures that are capable of amazing feats of innovation and creativity, and we routinely bring beauty into the world in ways that bring one to tears, and on a scale that takes my breath away.  Yet for all of these amazing achievements, we are even more fluent in the language of destruction, and for every one act of creation there is at least the equivalent destructive act, if not more.  Beyond the obvious and grandiose examples of destruction there are the human relationships and the spirits of those involved who we destroy on a daily basis.  We think nothing of shattering someone’s fragile sense of self-worth, or of breaking their heart, so long as we ourselves move towards our own vision of happiness.  In doing this, we fail to see that we are sabotaging our own happiness in the process, because, through our selfish cruelty, we are draining the world of the pool of happiness from which we all must draw.  Instead of finding our own nirvana through our individual “quest”, we are punishing ourselves at the same time that we are punishing those around us, because we tarnishing the love that we all must share, and tainting it both for ourselves and others.

I doubt you will ever read this, or that you will ever come to the same conclusions about love and happiness that I have arrived at, but I hope that you can discover at least an inkling of this truth that I believe helps us to explain the world.  I also hope you had a happy 30th birthday, and that your upcoming decade is better for you than the last one was.

Love always,

Davin

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04/26/2012

Marnie,

I happened upon your dating profile on OkCupid yesterday, and it was the worst thing that’s happened to me in months. I can’t believe how dishonest you are (and you would frequently get on my case about lying).   So much of your profile is clearly written in response to your experiences with me, and most of it is very negative in terms of how you feel about your time with me. 

You say that “you should message me if you have your shit together; I leave my counseling job at school:)”. What the hell does that mean, if it isn’t that you think I was so fucked in the head that you were acting as my counselor all of the time. If you really were acting as my counselor, then you must be the worst counselor ever, because all you did was verbally abuse me, ignore what I wanted in favor of satisfying every single one of your desires, and drive me to a suicidal depression, after which you left me to kill myself and lied to the police, which led to my arrest and criminal prosecution over things that never actually happened and which were never a threat to you. 

You also say that you could never date someone who is really quiet, which is a direct allusion to me, who you dated for five years. That must have been horrible if you could never do that again.  You also say that “I DEFINITELY am seeking someone who is generally “glass half full” about life,” which is clearly a dig at me and the attitude you always thought I had.  The absolute worst question and answer is your answer to the question of whether or not you would be okay with your significant other spending a lot of time with one of his/her exes (as a friend). You response was “People don’t seem to know how to break up these days! It’s okay to part ways and be grateful they were in your life for a time.” Are you fucking serious?  There is no way that you truly believe that your method of breaking up with me was an example that should be followed by others.  If anything, the way you broke up with me, by dumping me two weeks before Christmas and less than a month after showing me engagement stones you liked, and then by refusing to help me with the legal mess that you KNOW is unfair and ridiculous, is the example of how one should never break up, or in other words, the perfect example of the worst way to break up possible. 

Are you really saying that people don’t know how to break up, and implying that you do?  That is so absurd, and so untruthful.  Even minor things in your profile are also very untruthful, and even blatantly dishonest, like saying that you “love to hike, run, and -wait for it – ski! My ass you “love” to ski. You never skied until I taught you how, and I had to convince you to do it. You also don’t “love” to hike, since you almost never went with me for more than short walks in our entire five year relationship.  And you definitely don’t “love” to run, since you always complained about me when I tried to get you to run with me, and you almost never ran for most of our relationship until we moved to Boulder and you ran the Bolder Boulder.  You also answered that you can run “a mile – and more!” as if you can easily pound out a four or five mile run.  Bullshit. You can barely run two to three miles at a super slow pace, and you could only do that because I pushed you to do it (and you complained about how pushy I was the entire time!) Nice job taking credit for something you never did on your own, and never would, and nice job lying about things that are completely dishonest.

Finding your profile also sucked because it reminded me how I will never be able to trust a woman again. In the future, I will never be able to trust that a woman won’t one day snap and screw me over in the same way that you screwed me over when you screamed to draw attention to us like I was going to murder you, even though I never raised my voice or threatened you in any way.  I will never believe that I can meet a woman who won’t one day decide to call the police because “I raised my voice and she felt threatened” or something equally ridiculous.  So congratulations, you won. I will never marry or have children.

On a smaller scale, finding your profile also sucked because it means that I have to quit that dating site, and any other dating site that you might be on, regardless of whether or not I was on there first (which I was with OkCupid).  So I can’t even casually date either.  Thanks, bitch!

Davin

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04/23/2012

Marnie,

I read a post that you shared on Kristin Scheuman’s Facebook page yesterday, and it was a quote by somebody like Desmond Tutu or something that talked about the meaning of Ubuntu and how it urges us to embrace the generosity of the human spirit and be generous to each other, or something like that.  My first thought upon seeing you post that was “are you fucking kidding me?”  Coming from you, that has got to be one of the most hypocritical things that you could ever post. I know that it was manipulative of me to threaten suicide over you leaving me, and that it was wrong of me to scare you that night, but I’ve also spent the first half of this journal apologizing for that night. I also know that the majority of the fault for charges being filed that night lies with the police and not with you. In fact, I’ve defended you to my friends and family by saying that you aren’t the one who wanted charges pressed that night.

However, in spite of all of this, I think it’s pretty clear that you have not been generous in any way since you decided to break up with me a week before Christmas just so you could save yourself a few hundred dollars on rent. You did this after showing me engagement stones you liked a month before you decided to leave me. Then, on that night you freely offered up extra information to the cops even after Steve told you not to, and you have proceeded to cooperate with the police and the DA ever since, even going so far as to tell them that you were scared of me even though you know I would never hurt you. On top of that, you’ve been using a restraining order selfishly, as if it was a personal tool for breaking up with someone as easily as possible instead of a protective tool, and you’ve refused to help me or my lawyer even though doing so could have made the charges disappear AND save me thousands of dollars in legal fees.

In spite of all of these things, you still have the audacity to pretend like you are actually a generous person who cares about her fellow humans. You have such an inflated and warped self-image of what kind of person you are that it is astounding. The only things that you do to be helpful are your job and occasionally volunteering, and even your job is suspect because it’s likely  you picked it primarily to have summers off to spend with your family. The vast majority of your time and energy is spent figuring out how you can get what you want and have a relationship that revolves around you and your family. How is that a generous way to live? How does ignoring me and emotionally abusing me when we were together exhibit the “spirit of Ubuntu”?  If it is Ubuntu, if this is how you “treasure someone in your heart forever” who you supposedly “shared a special love with”, then you are completely clueless and narcissistic. I hope you aren’t that delusional, but I suspect that you are.  You live in such a self-obsession with nephews and mothers and sisters that you bury your head in the sand to everything else, and you judge harshly anything that differs from the ideal family image that you have created inside your head; an image where you continue to spend summer vacations roadtripping to Wisconsin well into your adulthood, and where nothing ever changes in your relationship with your sisters at the same time that you get to have children and marry a man who will do whatever you want. 

Part of me hopes that you can pull your head out of your ass soon enough that you can find a decent guy to build your own family with, but that is overly generous of me.  I should be hoping that you remain a lonely spinster for the rest of your life, free to babysit whenever your sister needs you.

Davin

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04/18/2012

Marnie,

So many people are so alone in this life, and they are desperate to find a partner who they can undertake life’s journey with.  Everyday I see people who are with partners who seem completely incompatible for them, but they stay together, in my opinion because they are afraid of the loneliness that awaits them without that person.  I see many more people who have had so many failed marriages and relationships that it makes one wonder why, and how, they can continue trying for happiness when they have so much heartbreak and sadness that is accumulated inside of them. It’s actually kind of heroic to see them trying, because it means that love, or the idea of love, is so important to them that they are willing to risk everything in order to find it.

I know you were unhappy with me for a while, but I don’t know if you were just being overly picky, or if you stayed with me for as long as you did because you were worried about me, or if you were afraid of what your life would be like without a partner. Maybe you were afraid of being alone.  Maybe I was afraid of being alone, and that’s why I put up with all of the arguments about manners and your family, as well as with all of the times you ditched me to be with your family.  Maybe that’s also why I was willing to take a backseat in your life priorities to your family, and why I was willing to put up with so much emotional abuse.  Maybe that’s also why this break-up has been so devastating to me, because once you left it meant that I was adrift in the world without a partner to help me on my journey.

I do know that regardless of why I felt the way I did, my feelings for you were genuine. You were the best partner that I could imagine in terms of finding a mate and a fellow traveler to help me navigate the loneliness of modern life.  You were my best friend, and I was never bored with your company or short of ideas of things to do and say.  I think that that is why it was so hard for me when you would leave me, because I felt so happy and fulfilled when you were around that I didn’t want you to leave.

I know that it’s unwise and foolish to invest so much happiness in one single person, but it was hard not to when I looked at us and saw how well we worked together as friends, and how much we comforted each other against the winds and buffers of the outside world. I miss that, and I miss you.

Always,

Davin

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04/17/2012

Hey Monkey,

It’s been just over four months since I last saw your or spoke with you, and it feels like it’s been forever. I feel like I’m a different person than I was four months ago, and I don’t like a lot of things about the new me.  I miss who I was when you were around and things were good.  I feel more laid back and accepting lately, but I feel like most of that comes from the fact that I don’t really care about anything that much, and from the fact that I am taking five different kinds of mood stabilizers and/or anti-depressants.  I feel sort of numbed.  I also have court coming up this Thursday, and I’m really anxious and apprehensive about that.  I wish that some small part of you was worried about me, or at least hoping for a positive outcome for me, but most likely you’ve barely thought about me in at least two months. You have a big, 30th birthday coming up, and in all likelihood I won’t even be able to wish you a happy birthday.  That’s a very sad thought for me to process. 

I miss the domestic life that I had with you, and I miss how much fun I had with you in everything that we did, as well as all of the common activities and interests we had.  I always appreciated those, but I never knew how rare they were until you were gone.  I started dating a while ago, and I’ve met some nice people, but none of them are even close to as much fun as you, and I don’t feel nearly as natural or as comfortable with them as I did with you during the first month of our relationship.  From my first date with you, I knew I didn’t want to date anybody else, and that I wanted a serious relationship with you. I don’t feel that with any of these new women.  With them, I can hang out with them and have fun, but I feel like it’s mostly about the sex, and I can’t really see myself being serious with any single one of them.  Being with these new women makes me miss you even more than I did when you first left me.

Since you left, I’ve sought solace in snatch and sex, and I’ve become lost in a maze of regular sex with different women, and obsessed with pussy and sensuality.  But without the sex, I haven’t felt close to anyone, and even with the sex I haven’t even approached the level of intimacy that I felt with you on our very first date.  I wonder if you’ve had any similar experiences, or if you are just thrilled to be rid of the depressed psycho you were saddled with for almost five years.

The thought of your upcoming birthday, and the knowledge that I won’t be a part of it, is really depressing to me. I miss you, and I hope you are doing better than I am.

I still love you,

Davin

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04/11/2012

Marnie,

I went to a funeral today for the nephew of one of my co-workers. He was seventeen, and he was killed in a car crash during a freak April snowstorm.  I was struck by two things at the funeral.  The first, and most obvious, was that I saw how much pain and sadness his death caused, and his was an accidental death.  I can only imagine how much pain and sadness a suicide would cause, even for someone like you who may or may not have loved me.  Just putting that burden on your shoulders is bad enough, and I’m sorry that I even considered doing that to you. 

The second thing that I noticed during the funeral was how much all of the aunts and uncles loved their nephew, and I finally, after five years, had more sympathy and understanding towards how you feel towards your nephews.  I’m sorry that I was constantly judging your relationship with them and making you feel weird for loving them and caring about them.  If anything, I am the one who was weird for not having built a closer relationship to Korbin and Jonah after being with you for five years.  I’m sorry that I didn’t do that, as I think that Korbin is a smart and kind kid who would make a great nephew.  I feel like if I had been less judgemental about your relationship with your nephews and your family, that I would have had the opportunity to be Korbin’s uncle (as well as Jonah and William and Sam), and, if I had only been more open to loving them when I was with you, I’m pretty sure I would have realized how rewarding that love can be. It didn’t have to be something that annoyed and bothered me, and I’m sorry that I acted as such so often in our relationship.

Regretfully,

Dav

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04/10/2012

Hey Marnie,

I found this blog post on a blog called 1000 Awesome Things, and everything about it reminds me of you.  Thank you for all that you taught me, and for all of the memories that you helped me to create.  I still cherish most of my time with you, and I still don’t believe that our relationship needed to end, but I’ve accepted that it did, and that it’s over. 

I hope that even though you have moved on and appear to be happier, that you feel similarly about me, and that you don’t regret our entire time together.  I hope that you still have cherished memories of me and of us, that you feel like I taught you some things that you value, and that sometimes you still miss me.  I hope that your memories of me make you richer, make you wiser, and make you you.  My memories of you definitely serve that purpose in my life.

Davin 

#19 Remembering all you’ve learned from old boyfriends and girlfriends

Your life is a pinball.

Shooting up high you start bouncing between bumpers and fly between flippers which smack you every which way. Your life soars and crashes in ways you can’t predict. First loves with teenage girls, secret kisses in college worlds, all shape your heart and who you are today.

Curled in shaggy basement carpets and cushions in front of the record player your boyfriend carefully drops the needle on a worn album and you listen while making out in front of the Lava Lamp. Big brown speakers crackle and pop with simple harmonies that never leave your heart.

Cramped in a rusty hatchback in an snowy parking lot at midnight you stall your girlfriend’s car for the sixth straight time. “Let go of the clutch a little softer … ,” she suggests, as you slowly learn how to drive standard, and slowly learn how much patience helps you along.

Lazily lying in bed on Sunday morning with sunbeams softly shining across his sleeping face, you realize how much you needed to let yourself go … and start trusting someone again. Now it’ll be easier the next time.

Stop and give yourself time to flash back.

To all the relationships you were in … that ended before today.

Maybe your boyfriend went to college and stopped calling every day or your fiance got cold feet and suddenly moved away. Maybe he got drunk and kissed another girl or you got a passport and started seeing the world. Maybe filling the nest flipped your lives or emptying the nest flopped it. Or maybe you were in a relationship where you couldn’t really explain it but smiled sad smiles with weary wet eyes because you both just knew it was over.

But no matter where you were, no matter where you went, your life was shaped by those you met along the way. First loves may have helped you strive for a more optimistic life, helped you share laughs with strangers on sidewalks, or have kickstarted a lifelong quest for more and more passionate work.

There’s no papers showing how you look at love and no papers that say much about living. There’s no papers showing how you learned to pack a mean trunk, sing onstage at the bar, and make those over-easy eggs with enough drizzly yolk for dipping.

Lost loves, long loves, long gone … sometimes last forever in your heart.

And it’s okay to miss relationships. It’s okay to look back. Don’t be afraid of exploring that heart and flipping through that dusty deck of cards in your head as they photo-flash images from your beautiful life. Like they say, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So feel those memories of past loves, smile at the good times you’ve shared, and remember all the pieces of you that came from somebody who cared.

Those memories and those moments make us richer, make us wiser, make us better, and make us us.

This one’s for everyone who helped make you

AWESOME!

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04/06/2012

Hey Marnie,

I’m pretty sure that you would not want me to call you Monkey or Marnie Bear again.  That time in our relationship, and everything that went with it, is past, and  it will never come back.  I’m gradually coming to accept that, even though it still saddens me.  What’s hardest to accept, however, is how quickly and completely you moved on from me and from our relationship.  I already knew that you didn’t feel any empathy or responsibility for my situation, and that you didn’t care what happened to me, but I thought that perhaps you were at least saddened by the loss of what we had, but it seems obvious that this is not the case with you.  We have a lot of mutual friends, and I frequently see your comments on the Facebook pages of mutual friends.  These were all carefree and free of worry, even as early as January. 

This whole process has been very difficult for me, probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.  I recognize that I overreacted to your breaking up with me, but I still have the text messages where you told me that you were also hurting as you went through the process of breaking up, and that you would miss me and always love me even if we did break up.  But it’s obvious that no part of you misses me, and it’s also clear that you don’t love me, because if you did, you would have been much more helpful and compassionate with my legal situation.  I’m not claiming that you never loved me.  Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.  What I am saying is that you obviously don’t love me now, in spite of any assertions that you made otherwise during our break up. 

I haven’t seen you on any dating sites, but I’m sure you are dating.  You are either much more on top of it than I am, and you are hiding your profile from me, or we aren’t matched up as being compatible on any of the sites you are on (which is ironic to me), or you are dating off of the internet.  It still hurts to think about you dating other people, and in all honesty my hope that you never find a decent guy to date, and that you either stay single forever or marry a total dud, far outweighs any good wishes I have for you.

I know that a lot of what happened with the cops was not your fault, but considering how you have done nothing to help me, and how you have exacerbated the situation in order to exploit the restraining order for your own personal reasons, when there is not actual reason for a restraining order to be in place, I think that you owe me a serious and sincere apology.  I know I will most likely never see you or talk to you again, but if I do, I hope that you are a decent enough person to at least recognize how you have wronged me, and to apologize.  I know that I owe you an apology as well, and my wrongs towards you are trivial compared to the harm you have done to me through your callousness and selfishness.

Davin

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